


(cuddlefighter is typing...)

by cuddlefighter (bibbasaur)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Animated GIFs, Embedded Images, M/M, Spellcheck? I Don't Know Her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-19 15:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19360003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibbasaur/pseuds/cuddlefighter
Summary: Where all my chatfics come to roost (because Tumblr has seriously flagged so many haha)NOTES• Since these were all initially posted in Tumblr and being archived here, Chapter 1 is the newest and the last chapters are the oldest• Buyer beware! Author is Not An Actual Writer™ so has to Rely On Chatfics





	1. The Blackhawks Preschool AU and the Sanctity of the Buddy System

>   
>    
>    
>    
>    
> 
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  OMG   
>  Lookit his lil backpack!  
>  Bb!Alex is learning his new words at a rapid rate  
>  Although, Jonny doesn’t quite understand or agree with the vocab list  
>  “Lego,” says bb!Alex on Monday.  
>  Jonny quickly buys a shiny new bucket of building blocks.  
>  “My Eggo,” says bb!Alex on Tuesday.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Ahuhuhuhuhu  
>  BB Alex sponging up wordsssss
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  BB Alex has the tiniest hiking/outdoorsy clothes  
>  The smollest parka  
>  The smollest boots  
>  But the fuzziest fuzziest pom pom beanie  
>  with the pom pom bright red  
>  so pat and jonny can see him bobbling and wobbling between the trees
> 
>   
>    
>    
> 
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  a surprise bun backpack!! filled with cookies of course
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ehehehe TREATSIES
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Jonny is the parent in charge of snacks for this preschool outing
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  the pom pom is as big as the bb’s head ;~~;
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  but Patrick snuck secret cookies with, you know, sugar
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  tsk tsk PATRICK TIMOTHY KANE THE SECOND
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  carrot sticks only go so far Jonathan
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  the entire preschool there, a gaggle of tiny beanied (“toqued!” Jonny says) chubby-cheeked babs  
>  Mr Patty didn’t want to give Kitty a dog. So it’s a good thing his mom bought him the next best thing  
>  RALPHIE

> **gin-gin-jen:**  “Buddy system, kids! Remember to hold your buddy’s hand,” Patrick says while doing a mental count of the bb’s on parade.  
>  “Daddy, who’s your buddy?” bb!Alex wonders as he trots along with Kitty.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  juice-sticky hands grasping each other “BUDDY SYSTEM!” BB Saader shouts. Tiny little BB Henri wibbles
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Jonny raises an eyebrow at Patrick’s blush and holds out his hand expectantly.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  AHUHU TROTTING  
>  TINY LEGS  
>  AHUHUHHUHUHUHUHHUHU  
>  THE BUDDY SYSTEM IS SACRED OK
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Ralphie needs a pom pom hat too!
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OMG WHAT IF THAT’S HOW PATRICK PROPOSES  
>  “BUDDY SYSTEM FOR LIFE” 


	2. Jonathan Toews, Children’s Book Writer

> **cuddlefighter:** jonny ends up creating a children’s novel for their kids  
>  “Pat is a small bunny. He’s fast, has the softest paws, and likes to chew on things.” Bur recites from the 5-paged book.  
>  Sharpy is in tears.  
>  Jonny just looks smug “It’s a bestseller. Oprah recommended it.”  
>  Patrick has a terrible husband and terrible friends.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen :** WHERE O WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE THINGS?!?  
>  Soft paws and bunny chews 
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** “Papa, read the one about Pat the bunny!” One of the bbs urge Jonny, fingers tugging his sleeve, all wide-eyed baby blues.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** It’s a kane-toews bb favorite  
>  Jonny probably ends up writing a series  
>  Pat the Bunny & the Strawberry Patch  
>  Pat the Bunny Learns to Dance
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** (A Most Terrible Dance)
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Pat the Bunny and the Importance of Eating Vegetables
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** (PATRICK FROWNS)
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** (Actual Patrick squints at the last one)  
>  (It’s also the one that’s most awarded)
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** (Jonny pushes forward the plate of arugula)
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Pat the bunny only like carrots and must learn to try new things.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** “Pat the bunny wants steak and pasta and not this grassy cow stuff.” Patrick pushes the plate back.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** “Who the fuck is Judy,” Jonny glares at his editor.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** The sweariest children’s book author.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** His editor’s life is hard
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** (This book is released at the same time that Pat is preggo with their bb)  
>  “Can I… pat the bunny?” One of the bb wibbles at Pat’s bulging tummy.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** gasp what if Jonny writes a new book for each pregnancy?
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** GASP
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Each dedicated to the newest bb
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** Huhu  
>  it’s in the foreword  
>  : ’ )
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** (And Pat, of course)
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** “…and Pat, my own bunny.”  
>  “You cheesy fucker.” Pat reads. But he’s dimpling so hard, his cheek is caving in.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** DIMPLES, yes  
>  Pat the bunny also has dimples
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** “Does Tazer call Pat his bunny because they f—”   
>  “DON’T RUIN THE MOMENT KRUGS”
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** His hunny bunny
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** HIS HUNNY BUNNY  
>  huhhuhuhuhuhuhu  
>  Jonny, all 200 lbs of gruff Canadian male, is partial to pet names  
>  It’s a secret that Patrick Kane is taking to his grave
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** (Patrick may wrinkle his nose, but deep down secretly enjoys them)  
>  If they have a fight and he doesn’t get a “Goodnight, sweetheart” before bed, he knows he screwed up big time.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** BIG TIME  
>  If there’s no ‘babe’ or 'hun’ or 'sweetheart’ oh no, Pat’s in the DOG HOUSE  
>  And he KNOWS shit is about to get real once Jonny starts calling him 'Patrick’  
>  also
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Some bb’s have wellyphants  
>  Others tote this around everywhere  
>  There’s a limited edition giveaway night at the UC  
>  Pat the Bunny in an 88 hawks jersey
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** HUHUHUHU PAT THE BUNNY  
>  a floppy bunny in an 88 jersey  
>  it’s a HIT among the kids  
>  tiny be-jerseyed floppy bunnies are now everywhere
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** That piccccc, soooo snuggly  
>  Maybe the first set of stuffed bunnies were a novelty item after the first book
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** Just for the kane-toews bbs
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** No one expected the book to take off the way it did
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** and then some of the other hockey dads wanted ones for their bbs  
>  huhu yes  
>  (isnt there an actual leafs player who’s a children’s book writer?)
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Oprah kinda oprah-sized it  
>  Hmmm that seems familiar  
>  But i’m bad at details
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** Oprah SOMEHOW got hold of it  
>  And now Jonny is forced to write some more  
>  so he takes inspiration from  
>  say  
>  everyday things
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** So suddenly Pat the Bunny ends up being in high demand on Santa’s wishlist during the holiday season
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** “Dammit, I can’t get these laces!” Pat grumps  
>  Pat the Bunny and the Silly Shoelaces
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** Stuffed Animal Production was not PREPARED  
>  Lol that’s perfect, it can teach kids to tie their laces using the bunny-ear method!  
>  God that writes itself
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** one bunny ear two bunny ears  
>  I CAN HEAR IT  
>  IN JONNY’S INFLECTIONLESS VOICE
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “Be better, kids,” Jonny encourages. “Always double-knot.” 


	3. Kane-Toews Family Values and Introducing—Peanut the Wellyphant

> **cuddlefighter:** The bb looks like Kaner but his drama defo takes after his dad
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** nods the bb’s are equally indignant about being sent to the time out corner as Jonny is when he’s sent to the penalty box
> 
> the saddest Super-Kane bb  
> He didn’t mean to drive his zamboni into his sister. Honest.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “I’m sorry.” The bb whispers while fiddling with his stuffed elephant. One of its ears is threadbare and it’s missing one eye.  
> “Sorry for?” Pat prompts. Reflection and realization is important.  
> “Skooshing my little sister with my zamboni.” The bab says tearfully. He’s clutching the elephant, the very picture of abject sadness and contrition. Jonny’s heart squeezes a little.  
> “And?” Pat’s still stone-faced. He’s better at this than Jonny would ever be.  
> “I’m not gonna skoosh her because  it makes her cry and big brothers dont make their little sisters cry I’m sorry papa I’m sorry dada.” He says in a rush before hugging Jonny’s knees, face burying in Jonny’s thigh and heaving in silent sobs. Pat nods at Jonny, who lifts the bab up. His sobs have turned to hiccups but he’s still not looking at Pat. Pat motions for Jonny to give the bb over.  
> Pat hugs the little boy to his chest and whispers something that only the two of them can hear. The bab nods fiercely and then grips Pat in a tight hug. Pat closes his eyes and hugs the baby tighter. Not a baby now, really. They won’t have this for long, Jonny thinks.
> 
> **kanerboo:** CRIESSSSSSS  
> oh I definitely think pat would be the disciplinarian  
> Jonny’s too soft on his babies
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  NOW I MADE MYSELF SAD
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  MY HEART!
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HOW COULD U VANESSA
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  I would be Jonny. The little elephant, teary-eyed combo would slay me in an instant.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  He is very very sorry.  
> :’(((
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  The bb probably pronounces it effalant
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  or  
> or  
> Wellyphant
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  oh noooooooo  
> it needs a name
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  
>  said wellyphant
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Peanut  
> Peanut the Wellyphant
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** he does look like a Peanut  
> huhuhuhu bab probs nibbled on its ears so much, having the Kaner Chews and all
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  The Chews nods
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AHHHH YES  
> PEANUT
> 
> **kanerboo:** i bet at least half the bbs had the kaner chews
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** ahhuhuhuhuhuh babs
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  oh no  
> OH NO
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Peanut’s proportion to the actual peanut-sized bb
> 
> **kanerboo:**  sometimes jonny secretly thinks that to himself  
> but he’d never admit it to patrick  
> bcos patrick would kill him  
> “YOU WANTED ALL OF THESE CHILDREN”
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  They are both severely outnumbered
> 
> **kanerboo:**  they really are
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OH NO
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “This is why we always end up at Disney after the family vacation vote,” Jonny sighs.  
> Patrick is the first in line for mouse ears, but pretends to sigh in commiseration.  
>  **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny wants that Malaga vacation, darn it. But noooo. It’s Tokyo Disneyland this time.  
>  **gin-gin-jen:**  WEE LITTLE PEANUT ONESIE
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AHHHHHH
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Imagine all the baby luggage sets!!!
> 
> **kanerboo:**  honestly ever since they made the twins in a cabana in cabo they havent had the chance to take an actual adult vacation  
> all their vacations now consist of disneyland and universal
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  huhuhuhu
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  The magical cabana in cabo
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Bab wants to know if he can ride the one with the flying Peanuts.
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “So many Peanuts,” the bb whispers in hushed awe.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and they can FLY  
> while he hugs his own non-flying Peanut close to his chest


	4. The Fertility Poncho

> **thuhlayuh:**  I know of a couple that purchased an antique fertility chair that originated from Zimbabwe. They had 4 kids and a shit ton of baby  goats on their farm before giving it back to the pawn shop.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ……that is a plot  
> A fic plot  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  rubs chin beard…Yes.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Didnt jonny go to south america  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  …yes  
> To peru.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  What if he accidentally gifted patrick with a fertility poncho
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SHIT TON OF BABY GOALS  
> *GOATS  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  …yes, I’m listening.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  BUT ALSO GOALS  
> YES  
> GO ON VANESSA  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS JONATHAN TOEWS”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and pat didnt realise… the MAGIC  
> of the poncho  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Does this mean he ducks Jonny whilst wearing the poncho?  
> Those kinky bastards.  
> I meant fucks not ducks.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jesus with the poncho flapping around them  
> im dying  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  But ponchos are so soft if anything the fabric will get them there sooner. Which, of course, it’s a fertility poncho.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny sees a cloth tucked in one of the cabinets in a curio shop in peru  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  CHINHANDS  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  sits criss cross on the carpet by the fire  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It has a garish red blue and white weave “perfect!” Jonny thinks  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  …go on.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEAD  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (He’s gotten dried fruits and kitschy keychains for everyone but pat is…. pat and jonny just doesnt want to give him dried fruit or kitschy keychains, you know?)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  pat deserves BETTER  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  YES.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  like this PONCHO  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (Jonny would also want to give him a ring, but. Well. Jonny settles for a poncho)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  hey, good enough  
> it has the same effect  
> lol  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  It’s so soft  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  So soft, pat enthuses, shmooshing his face in it  
> Pat wears it at home  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAASSS  
> wear it more pat  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  On top of his tshirt and sweats  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  let the magic… work… upon you  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  So cozy  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  it’s so warm  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  kinda like jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Brings it on roadtrips, wears it when the AC on the plane or bus gets too cold  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  On brand.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (“Why do you look like psychedelic peyote captain america?” Vinnie asks. Pat looks at vinnie, eyes flinty.)  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Wait, does the shop keeper in Peru give Jonny like a look like a knowing look?  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat wears it all the time, maybe even rubs it between his fingers before games for luck  
> I’m thinking there was a miss in the translation somewhere, when jonny was bargaining for this  
> But yes, the shopkeeper, gives him a look  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  a KNOWING look  
> leers  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Yes  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** So maybe pat gets hungry all the time, suddenly  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes  
> and pukey  
> nothing serious  
> just like nausea here and there  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Gets sleepy (“maybe you should nap?” Jonny says helpfully. “You’re right” and pat toddles to find his poncho)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and one time jonny offered to make him an avocado shake  
> which pat LOVES  
> but for some reason  
> the sight and smell of the avocado  
> turns his stomach  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Are you slicing strawberries on your steak, Kitty asks. Pat hisses. “Strawberries on steaks are valid.”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  So pat goes on and on. He’s suddenly very attached to the poncho now.  
> Jonny ofc, endorses this. That is his gift-poncho, after all  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Yes…  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  more leering  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “You’re, uh. Getting chunky on the middle there patty.” Jessica peers at Pat over the kitchen counter  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  wait does this mean pat… has a virgin conception  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  A virgin poncheption  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DED  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Great Scotts, dude.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (Let’s just say in this world magical realism is a Thing, specially in the hockey world, where magical jockstraps and cursed pucks abound)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  !!!!!  
> I LIKE THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Oh, without question.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Maybe the breaking point is when Patty burts into tears BECAUSE GODDAMMIT JONNY I TOLD YOU TO PASS ME THE GODDAMN PUCK THIS IS 2012 ALL OVER AGAIN  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  omg JONNY  
> how could you let pat play  
> in his DELICATE CONDITION  
> be better jonathan  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Why are you so hormonal” Jonny screams  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  I. Am. Not. Delicate. Pat sniffs  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  gasps  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “WELL MAYBE I AM” Pat shouts and throws Jonny his twig  
> A light bulb turns on in Duncs’ head.  
> In true Duncs fashion he confides this to Seabs.  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Those couples that talk about other couples drama.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Nods  
> “Have you seen how Pat acts lately.” Duncs says casually while brushing his teeth. “Mhmhn” Seabs says while patting down their duvet.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  kdskjflkds  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  so domestic - I love it !  
> brings back any memories?  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  I just picture pat on his sofa in fuzzy socks and his poncho, watching the little mermaid and eating some gross pregnancy craving to cheer himself up after his hissy fit.  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  ariel gets him  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Duns spits out the toothpaste from his mouth and looks at Seabs meaningfully.  
> “Okay, I’ll go to CVS tomorrow” Seabs says  
> Duncs nods.  
> Ariel totes gets him  
> “Daddy I love him!” Pat mouths after Ariel’s line  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  wish I could be, part of that….worlldd  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  !!!!!!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Seabs gently pushes a bag of pregnancy tests over at Jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Subtle.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “You, uh. Might wanna.” Seabs waves his hands vaguely  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny thinks he’s a nutcake obvs  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Obvs  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Raises the questioning brow.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but that night he’s over at pat’s  
> and like  
> maybe pat’s middle does look  
> kind of rounded  
> in a way it shouldnt be.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Those are DEFINITELY not abs  
> Or a beer belly  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  “I’m bloated, goddammit!”  
> But yes, continue…  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny debates the moral validity of fooling pat into peeing in a cup  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but he decides to use his powers of captainly persuasion  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “There’s a Canadian Tire… thing… and I’m volunteering and I’m….. learning how to… uh. Do drug tests.” Jonny waffles  
> Pat waves tiredly and agrees anyway (he’s so tired these days)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  sdlkjflds  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Yeah, whatever bud. Gimme that cup.”  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  It’s not like it’s the weirdest thing jonny has ever asked him to do  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  True, I mean that one time where Jonny asked him to accompany him in Tiffany’s so they could try out rings for Jonny’s brother  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Sometimes you gotta piss for your bros.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ded  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Again, subtle  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat’s learned to deal with Jonny’s things. Pissing in a cup? No big  
> So imagine jonny furiously opening packets of tests in Pat’s bathroom and swishing them in a cup full of Pat’s pee  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  I mean he doesn’t believe the drug test thing for a second but figures it’s probably just some weird optimization thing  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And then waiting for them to be done  
> This is true @tirsh  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Like Jon checking his zinc levels or whatever.  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:** exactly  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Or his hydration levels  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  he’s a fucking worrywart about these things  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  lol  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  So Pat’s chill  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  jonny is the opposite of chill squirreled away in the bathroom  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  it’s about 5 mins  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Uh oh.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  when pat hears  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  like a mad scientist  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  the howling begin in the bathroom  
> the incoherent howling  
> interspersed with OH GOD  
> and HOW  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  ominous music spikes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and PAT, PAT PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  His zinc levels must be off the charts to warrant such a reaction.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEADDDD  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  do avocados have zinc he wonders idly  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  I know for a fact almonds do.  
> that fucking milk Jon switched his cow milk with  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  fkjdfs;lfl;d  
> he stomps to the bathroom  
> jonny comes tearing out  
> grabs him  
> eyes all wild  
> pee sticks still in his hands  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  still remembers jonny’s adventures in making his own almond milk - accosting the poor guy in the produce section “Where are your nutbags?”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  NUTBAGS  
> DED  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  Relax dude.  i’ll eat more almonds I promise.  
>  ****
> 
> **jonny:**  almonds? what the fuck do you think is going on here?  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  this-this isn’t about my zinc levels? JONNY WHAT DID YOU CHECK? AM I DYING?  
> (He’s hormonal so his emotions are out of whack)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny’s like P-P-P-PREGNAT  
> UR PREGNANT PAT  
> YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF MIRACLE BB GROWING IN YOU  
> and then he says something like  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  Jonny is taking this optimization shit too far  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  the shopkeeper told me it was a fertility poncho but i thought it was A JOKE  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Or a mistranslation.  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  he said it was a lucky poncho - I thought he meant you know like winning  
> not LUCKY LUCKY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEADSKJDA;S  
> not lucky THERE  
> staring pointedly at pat’s butt  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  Stop looking at my butt  
> (hes a little sensitive)  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Un poncho de buena suerte. I THOUGHT HE SAID THIS PONCHO MAKES A GOOD SWEATER.  
> Jonnys used to French where sweater is just “un sweat”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Does this mean  
> That pat and jonny  
> Made  
> A blanket baby  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ……………….  
> CREYS  
> VANESSA WHY  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Omg.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (A real baby obvs but huhuhu i cant wait for the blanket baby jokes)  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  I legit thought they were gonna bang whilst wearing it but you took it to a level where they loved each other and pined so hard that the blanket paved a way for them.  
> I’m sorry. Poncho.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  I MEAN  
> the banging can come  
> soon after  
> and then they can make another baby  
> the ‘proper’ way this time  
> leers  
> since the poncho has alr bestowed upon pat these magical powers  
> and a magical womb  
> that bears fruit  
> after being plowed and fertilized by jonny’s seed  
> etc etc  
> insert more planting innuendoes  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Yes, his fertile soil awaiting some gentle nurturing.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and some… watering  
> and… seeding  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Please don’t name our baby Pancho.” Jonny peers over from where he’s blowing raspberries on Pat’s tummy. The poncho is still obnoxiously wrapped around Pat’s neck. Jonny swears it’s looking at him smugly. Pat sniffs and flaps the book of baby names at him. “As if. We’re naming him Dracarys.”  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Name him Enrique after the shopkeeper.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Hurhuehue  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  That mischievous old man.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I want to know if this is like the fertility chair where it makes their surroundings also very fertile  
> Did Jonny just inadvertently cause the NHL baby boom  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  It was, cause how could the goats multiply if they were in a barn, not the living room?  
>  ****
> 
> **tirsh:**  “I can be your hero baby”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And in its epicenter, a very round Patrick Kane  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  OMG HIS GARDEN MUST BE LUSH.  
> All the tomatoes and squashes on his tower gardens. He could win a county fair contest.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  The fattest aubergines  
> The greenest cabbages  
> “Congratulations, you have triplets!” The doctor says, beaming. Patrick feels faint  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Enough organic veggies to provide for his growing family.  
>  ****
> 
> **thuhlayuh:**  Uh oh. More than one Enrique.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Why are you so EXTRA” Jonny grumbles while prodding the poncho with his toe. The poncho just obnoxiously ponchos back at him.


	5. The Tiniest Parrothead

>   
> 
> 
> Ahhh, welcome back bb anon! And thank you! I am  _so_  sorry because this ask totally slipped my mind (work has been positively hellish these past few days) and now I’m OMG. As an apology, here’s something cute for you (and this is based off [@coffeekristin](https://tmblr.co/mXwU-59S1S5fpYz_hu8LLgQ)‘s fic,  _[If you like pina coladas](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F15705042&t=MTc0YWRmN2MxMjMyODkzODM3YjRiZjI3YWFhYjcwYTMwNTUxNmVmOSw5d3pDTXd6dQ%3D%3D&b=t%3ASj1jcPh0claWZUSIfdgrww&p=https%3A%2F%2Fcuddlefighter.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F177863726513%2Fchatfic-the-tiniest-parrothead&m=1)_. 
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  kaner’s whole buffett obsession is the gift that keeps on giving  
>  ****
> 
> **thisissirius:**  it really is  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  imagine bb!pat getting buffett tickets from momma kane and looking at her, eyes shining, really? i get to go this year? (my headcanon is that he and his dad are ONE on this and he wasn’t old enough to go until he finally is)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It really is  
> Gasp  
> My headcanon is  
> Jonny dressing up their bb  
> In a parrot costume  
> And then showing him to pat  
> Jonny: IT U  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  they listen to the buffett sirius channel on their drives around buffalo and to away rinks/games/etc.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat: IT ME  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  OH MY GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  pls hold i will get PHOTO  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  that’s the sequel to my headcanon grandpa kane and pat and bb!kane-toews go to concerts together while their long-suffering women (and jonny) sit at the bar and drink margaritas pretending they don’t know all the words, to every song  
>  ****
> 
> **thisissirius:**  how dare you bring up grandpa kane  
> omg  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  oh, i meant the tiki version  
> but also YES  
> papa and grandpapa and kaner, riding around, listening to buffett music is A Thing  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  and then grandpa tiki and kaner are doing it with bb!kaner and suddenly they have to pull over because they’re crying  
> UGH, how dare you  
> the belly, omg  
>  ****
> 
> **thisissirius:**  OH NO  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat doesnt bring a parrot hat  
> This time  
> He brings  
> A  
> PARROT BABY  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  ack, shut up, you, that’s offsides  
> the tiniest parrothead in the land, is baby kane-toews  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  :  3  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  (and bb!kane-toews is having a little convo in his baby head, like, why are my family all so weird)  
> (as his grandpa tiki and daddy sob in the front seat to the strains of ‘Trip Around the Sun’)  
> (he quite likes this song)  
> (and people complain about him crying, sheesh)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Bah!” The tiny bab screams from his baby seat. Pat is overjoyed. “He’s singing along!”  
> I am not the baby screeches indignantly. Unfortunately this only translates to a series of gurgles and ‘buh’s so Pat assumes (incorrectly) that his bab is just all in for the Jimmy Love  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  HERE FOR ALL THE NEW FIC  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:** poor kid doesn’t stand a chance, lol  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh no poor bby K-T lol  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  kaner’s putting buffett mixes on while he’s going to bed, and they can’t understand why he screams so at bedtime  
> maybe it’s because he knows it’s not on loop, jon. put it on continuous loop  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Lmao is Jonny with the baby on this one?  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:** jon… isn’t sure that’s the problem  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Does he also not approve?  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:** but he’s not gonna fight it lol  
> jonny is  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Awwww lol  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  he is a reluctant listener  
> he and the baby tolerate it because it makes kaner happy, and  jonny slips rogue 'our lady peace’ tracks in later in the mix when he knows kaner won’t be listening  
> 'funny how he always drifts off right after sweet caroline’ kaner says as the sobs finally die off upstairs  
> mmm hmm, jonny says. wanna watch hockey?  
> distract distract distract  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh Jonny that’s low  
> But also no one will get sleep if the baby keeps crying because of Buffett right?  
>  ****
> 
> **CoffeeKristin:**  he’s just watching out for his wee family  
> plus he figures the baby gotta build up some tolerance  
> and by the time he’s six, he’s a full parrothead  
> but it was a long six years for one jonathan bryan toews and his bb  
> so many tears  
> and then the baby would be upset, too


	6. The Harlequintastic Secret Baby AU (Director’s Cut)

> **cuddlefighter:**  BUT SHEENA  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  WHUT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YOU’VE HEARD OF THE TWELVE KANE TOEWSES  
> BUT HAVE YOU  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YES  
> I HAVE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SEEN MY  
> SECRET BABY EDIT
> 
> **kanerboo:**  WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT JUST NOW WTF  
> … WAIT WHAT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**   **https:** //cuddlefighter.tumblr.com/post/173468243513/oh-there-are-no-patrick-kanes-here-the-old  
> waves hands  
> SECRET BABY  
> S E C R E T B A B Y  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  TIM CAINE  
> OMG  
> PAT  
> YOU CANT EVEN PICK A LESS OBVIOUS FALSE NAME  
> Patrick Kane disappears from the lives of everyone he knows. Nearly a year later, a man arrives quietly at a small house in a sleepy suburb in Idaho. With him are two bags, a weathered hockey stick and, in the crook of one arm, a baby.  
> SCREAMS  
> OH MY GOD  
> VANESSA  
> I WANT THIS  
> I WANT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> OMG OMG OMG  
> CAN I HEADCANON THIS WITH YOU  
> NOW LOL  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  HIT ME   
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  no wait but idk if you have your own headcanon for it   
> i won’t hijack it  
> YOU TELL ME chinhands  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  this is actually the sequel to this  
> https://cuddlefighter.tumblr.com/post/173386875548/me-pat-laughed-a-hollow-a-sad-sound-every  
> it’s VERY HARLEQUIN NOVEL  
> jonny falls in love with pat, his prep school classmate who’s in their school because of a scholarship  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SQUEAKS  
> I LOVE HARLEQUIN   
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  *THIS IS VERY HARLEQUIN  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  I LOVEEEEE  
> but also  
> “i don’t like looking at what i can’t have”  
> THAT IS 100% JONATHAN TOEWS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but jonny, who is v v rich and is the heir to a fortune 500 company  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JONNY IS DEFINITELY LIKE THAT  
> unf i love me some rich jonny >.>  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  is like, well people have been known to use me because of my name  
> and he’s like I DONT WANT THAT FOR PAT  
> but pat’s like @_@ at jonny  
> but, you know. he’s a scholarship dude. jonny might as well be an alien from Mars  
> because, you know, the difference in their social circles  
> jonny lives in the rarified air of park avenue etc etc  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yeeeeessss  
> (fuck i have a similar wip!!! but continue)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  so anyway years pass by and pat kind of just writes it of as a wistful thing  
> but jonny tracks pat’s progress  
> and when he finds out that pat can’t find a job out of college  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (im just telling you this bcos i intend to finish that wip and when i do i dont want you thinking i stole it from you)  
> (the only similar part is basically same school, jonny very rich, patrick poor coughs )  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he asks one of the secretaries to send a letter to Mr Patrick Kane conratulating him on being a successful applicant for a junior secretary role  
> (OOH TELL ME YOURS LATER)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OOOOHHH  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like WHUT  
> and pat maybe writes it off as some application that he sent at 2am and promptly forgot  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  lmao  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  who’s going to turn down a job offer? not fresh out of college starving yuppie patrick kane  
> so he takes it and so he starts and he’s pretty chill with the new job  
> so he’s instructed to sit beside one of the other junior admin assistants  
> at the reception area to the senior executives’ offices  
> and lo and behold  
> one day  
> who comes walking down to one of the office  
> jonathan toews, that’s who  
> so pat learns that he’s working for jonny’s father’s company now  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DAMN  
> HE GOT TRICKED  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and well  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LLOL  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OLD GONE FEELING COMING BACK AGAIN  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAAASSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but jonny never talks to pat AT ALL  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  …… D:  
> BCOS HE DOESNT LIKE LOOKING AT WHAT HE CANT HAVE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like I DONT THINK HE REMEMBERED ME FROM SCHOOL  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AND HE CANT HAVE PAT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (lies patty, LIES)  
> (HE REMEMBERS YOU)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HE DOOOOOOO  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  yes  
> but for jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he remembers your SMILE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he just wants pat THERE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and your DIMPLES  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  knowing that he can see him every day  
> on the corner of his eye  
> is enough for jonny  
> he doesnt ask too much about pat  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  D:  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  what if pat has a boyfriend? a long-term partner?  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  BUT HE DOESNT JONNY  
> HE WAITING FOR UUUUUU  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  jonny’s better off not knowing  
> and so yeah months and maybe a year or two goes by  
> and pat becomes promoted to jonny’s own executive assistant  
> and since he’s jonny’s EA  
> he becomes intimately familiar with jonny’s life  
> which is kinda bittersweet since, you know, pat has a crush  
> and it’s not going away soon  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OMGGGGGG  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and jonny well  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YEEEESSS  
> god i just  
> love  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he just pretends that when pat gives him his coffee  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  power imbalances  
> and power dynamics like these  
> and like  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  that it’s pat waking up in their house  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  pat being jonny’s secretary  
> >.>  
> OMGGGG  
> JONNYYYYYYYYY  
> WHYYYYYYY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  sliding his coffee across their kitchen  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  UR KILLING ME VANESSA  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  so yeah  
> it’s just two people living on a little sad waltz of _what if_s  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**   **D:**  
>  how could you do this to me  
> and to them  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  it’s the back drop of the story ;_;  
> i r sorry  
> ;___;  
> but yes  
> but maybe something happens  
> maybe jonny’s needs to work on some acquisition or whatever  
> he spends late nights in the office  
> and pat stays  
> and maybe  
> they get to talking  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  MAYBE THEY FUCK  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  maybe jonny breaks his rule  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  uh i mean  
> talk  
> >.>  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  to not get close  
> WELL THEY WILL BECAUSE THAT BABY HAS TO HAPPEN  
> waggles eyebrows  
> So they get to talking! And maybe jonny starts knowing about pat’s life  
> His  
> Single  
> Lonely  
> Life  
> Jonny is shook  
> But he is like NO PAT HAS HIS LIFE TOGETHER U DONT GO MESSING THAT UP  
> But YEAH maybe they start talking !! And maybe pat talks about his life and the little thursday night games with his rec league  
> And maybe jonny starts telling him about his family too  
> And MAYBE the late night talks move on to those little midnight restaurants across the city and maybe late night drives across town  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAAASSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And they’re NOT TALKING ABOUT IT but maybe jonny stretches his hand across the car seat sometimes and if pat leans back and feels hard muscle of jonny’s forearm on his back WELL that’s between him and his fantasies at night  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LEERS  
> VERY HARD  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And maybe jonny stares too much at pat’s mouth when he drinks his beer during their nightcaps  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  can u blame him tho  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SEXUAL TENSION  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  i mean… dat mouth  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  i cannot blame him  
> At all  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  BUT YES  
> ONE NIGHT THE SEXUAL TENSION OVERFLOWS  
> AND CRACKS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Yes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW  
> PAT IS GETTING DICKED DOWN OVER JONNY’S DESK AT WORK  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat leans in to point out a signature that jonny missed  
> While behind jonny  
> Jonny turns to ask something and maybe he doesnt realize that pat’s THAT CLOSE  
> and WELL  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAASSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Things are swept from desks and there is verily, a lot of dicking  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he gets to kiss that sweet soft lush mouth  
> AND THEN  
> LOTS OF DICKING  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  LOTS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OVER HIS ENORMOUS MAHOGANY DESK  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  jonny has a heavy oak desk of some sort  
> It’s v v durable  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  or oak, w/e  
> somethign fucking expensive  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  WHICHEVER HEAVY WOOD  
> YES  
> and yes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick has been flung on and manhandled on that wood  
> (that wood, heh)  
> many many times  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and it becomes a series of TRYSTS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YESSSS  
> SEKRIT TRYSTS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Wow did i just type “trysts”  
> YES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes ma'am  
> u sure did  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And there’s a brief period where pat sometimes sleeps over jonny’s townhouse and they lazily make out before going to work  
> Or they get hot and heavy inside jonny’s car  
> Reality comes crashing down when one day  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  oh god  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Another one of his executives slips one of the society mags across him and tells him “OMG DID YOU HEAR ABOUT JONNY AND “  
> And pat is like  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  !!!!!!!!!!!  
> NO  
> THIS CANNOT BEEEEEEEE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  no  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JONNY WOULDNT DO THAT TO HIM  
> JONNY LOVES HIMMMMM  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat was so excited!!!  
> He just took a test!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  NOOOOOO  
> CRIES  
> HOW COULD YOUUUUU  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  He was supposed to tell jonny about it over dinner!!!  
> Hence  
> SECRET BABY  
> yes hello the end  
> Or not the end  
> Since, u know, pat disappears and JONNY IS HEARTBROKEN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  But jonny mans up AND TRIES TO FIND PATRICK  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes he does  
> ONLY TO FIND HIM  
> WITH A BABY  
> A BABY THAT LOOKS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  A BABY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  EXACTLY LIKE JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  LIKE HIM  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ROUND SERIOUS DARK EYES  
> A TUFT OF DARK HAIR  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  HUHUHUHU  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he has jonny’s nose and chin and smile  
> omg  
> but imagine  
> patrick living quietly alone all this while  
> bringing up his bb  
> but every time he looks at his baby  
> there is a PANG  
> in his heart  
> bcos that baby looks exactly like jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ;_;  
> and the baby is the happiest baby  
> and pat is like  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SOBSSSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  BUT JONNY FINDS THEM!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  TURNS UP AT THE DOOR  
> PATRICK HAS THE BABY IN HIS ARMS  
> AND JONNY LOOKS AT HIM  
> AND LOOKS AT THE BABY  
> AND HE KNOWS  
> RIGHT AWAY  
> WHY PATRICK LEFT  
> BCOS THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE COULD LOOK AT THAT BABY AND NOT SEE JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  sobbing  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick FREAKS OUT  
> probably thinks jonny is coming to take the baby from him   
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  bcos he’s the heir to the toews fortune  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  jonny’s rich!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and jonny has all the money and power and attorneys at his disposal  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  what if he takes custody of the baby!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  to take the baby  
> HE IS LIKE  
> IF YOU WANT THIS CHILD YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY HIM FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS, TOEWS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES PAT’S NOT GONNA GIVE HIM WITHOUT A FIGHT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and jonny is like NO  
> I DIDNT COME HERE TO TAKE THE BABY  
> I CAME HERE  
> FOR YOU  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and jonny is like MAYBE YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE (WRONG JONNY UGH) BUT IF YOU CAN JUST LET ME OFFER YOU AND THE BABY A HOME  
> do we  
> 1\. make this the reunion  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ;~~~~;  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  2. or do we go full ham and have them live together while slowly getting back together AS IS TRUE OF ALL HARLEQUIN ROMANCES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  FULL HAM OBVS  
> BCOS PAT IS STILL WARYYYYY  
> THINKS JONNY WANTS THE BABY, NOT HIM  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  omg  
> but he goes with jonny anyway  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes  
> he does  
> bcos  
> well  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and he and jonny live in SEPERATE BUT ADJOINIGN ROOMS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he is running out of money  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  true  
> he is a single dad  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and he thinks his baby, at least  
> does deserve his share of the toews fortune!!!  
> HE might be poor  
> but he doesnt want his child to be!  
> he doesnt want a cent of jonny’s money  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but by god he’s going to secure what his baby should get  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  BUT HIS BABY DESERVES IT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  EXACTLYYYYYY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  HE’S AS MUCH A TOEWS AS JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  EXACTLY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  huhuhuhu  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny moves them into his palatial abode  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and they live together and it’s so bittersweet BECAUSE IT’S BOTH OF THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE  
> but in a terrible upside down way  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  has a whole new bedroom decorated adjoining his own  
> CREYS  
> VANESSA WHY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  CRYING WITH U  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  IT’S UR STORY U HAVE NO RIGHTS TO CRY!!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  dammit THESE MISUNDERSTANDINGS  
> I ALREADY AM I R SORRY  
> so yes they live together  
> and the newspapers go wild  
> WHO IS PATRICK KANE!!!  
> and they make him out to be some opportunistic fellow who’s only out for the toews fortune  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OMG  
> NOOOOOO  
> HOW MUCH MORE PAIN ARE YOU PUTTING POOR PAT THROUGH  
> YOU EVIL PERSON  
> but then!!!  
> they also find out about the baby!!!  
> bcos paps start stalking pat  
> and see him bringing the baby out  
> THE BABY THAT LOOKS LIKE A TOEWS  
> AND THEY MAKE PAT OUT TO BE THIS OPPORTUNISTIC GOLD DIGGING SLUT  
> WHO GOT HIMSELF KNOCKED UP  
> SO HE COULD GET THE TOEWS MONEY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (jonny puts an end to that nonsense by declaring the baby as a TOEWS AND HE IS THE FATHER!)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAAASSS  
> well i mean  
> it is UNMISTAKABLE  
> that he is the father  
> lol  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “We’re getting married.” Jonny says, sliding the ring across the table.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  …. the worst and most unromantic proposal ever  
> BE BETTER JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “You know how I would’ve done everything to hear those words from you.” Pat says bitterly “But now.”  
> JONNY WISHES THIS WERE DIFFERENT  
> BUT THE PRESS!!! HIS PARENTS!!!  
> THE INVESTORS!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SOBSSSSS  
> THIS IS TERRIBLE  
> JONNY WHY  
> WHY DOES HE KEEP HURTING PAT  
> ISNT IT ENOUGH SLAMS FISTS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (y do we do this to ourselves)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  this is YOUR story >.>  
> buttttt  
> i think patrick agrees  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ………….this is true <.<  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  
>  if only to keep his son safe  
> safe from the press  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  yes!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  safe from all the gossip  
> and SAFELY INSTALLED AS A LEGITIMATE TOEWS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and they go through the motions of a wedding  
> and are in all appearances a married couple  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  D:  
> creys very hard  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but they sleep in separate bedrooms!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  fix them vanessaaaaa  
> FIX THEMMMMMM  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  BUT JONNY IS DETERMINED TO MAKE THIS RIGHT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**   HE FUCKING BETTER  
> BCOS HE HAS HURT PAT OVER  
> AND OVER  
> AND OVER  
> IT IS A WONDER PAT EVER EVEN FORGIVES HIM  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**   but jonny will make THIS RIGHT  
> and he’s like “we’re married, i think we should go on our honeymoon.”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  oooohhh omg  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like suspicious  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yes  
> pat is SO SUSPICIOUS  
> hes like  
> whatever for  
> we’re not even REALLY married, he says bitterly  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “why? haven’t you noticed that there’s already a baby.”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  flinging it in jonny’s face  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but jonny already has everything planned out  
> Hayden is the new nanny (“I have a degree in behavioral studies.” “Where?” “In Yale.” “Hm. Good enough.”)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LOL OMG  
> YEEEESSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and hartzy and vinnie and kitty and schmaltz can be left in the house to keep the baby company  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he’s the MANNY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THE MANNY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick has NEVER left his baby  
> he’s TERRIFIED  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he is ANXIOUS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but jonny soothes him  
> escorts him into his private jet  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and at first pat is like, really stiff and won’t go near him  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  oh, he’ll be stiff enough later on  
> leers  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but then jonny catches pat sniffling  
> (LEERS)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AWWWWWW  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  
>  and he holds pat’s hand and pat just  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HE MISSES HIS BB  
> AND HE’S UPSET AT JONNY  
> AND THERE ARE ALL THESE EMOTIONS  
> omg  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he just holds jonny’s hand and turns to jonny for a hug  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  for their honeymoon  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “I miss him so much Jonny”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny takes pat to the toews-owned private island in the mediterranean  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES  
> RIDICULOUS  
> BUT THAT’S THE TOEWS FORTUNE FOR YOU  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  a beautiful little island with an enormous villa and an infinity pool and huge gardens and a greenhouse and a staff of 12  
> and white beach and turquoise waters everywher  
> e  
> BUT ANYWAY  
> yes  
> jonny’s heart MELTS  
> and he’s like  
> i’m sorry  
> i didn’t know you would get so upset  
> and he probably sends the plane right back after they’ve landed on the island  
> with instructions to pick up the baby, the manny, and the baby’s things  
> and pat is like  
> pathetically grateful  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  HUHUHUHU  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but it also means  
> that he softens towards jonny :3  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  : 3  
> BABY STEPS  
> and maybe  
> this gets pat thinking  
> maybe he’s been to unforgiving  
> so he makes tentative steps  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  … i think he deserves to be unforgiving tbh >.>  
> after all jonny did!!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (this is true)  
> (but yes!!)  
> so maybe pat surprises jonny  
> with the coffee that he likes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AAHHHH YESSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  when jonny wakes up one morning  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  slides the coffee across him  
> and JONYN IS LIKE  
> THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  also i think pat is very relaxed on the island  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THIS IS ALL I WNATED  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  the sound of the waves! the wind and sun and sand!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  WHEN YOU WERE THERE AND I COULDNT TALK TO YOU  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  away from prying eyes and gossip  
> it’s all very stress free  
> YESSSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I HAD FANTASIES OF WAKING UP TO YOU JSMILING AT ME ACROSS THE KITCHEN  
> ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  CREYS  
> JONNY SPILLING HIS HEART  
> ACROSS THE KITCHEN ISLAND  
> it’s all quiet around them except for the sound of the waves  
> the baby’s still asleep with hayden  
> lmfao  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like I KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU  
> WHAT YOU WORE AND HOW YOU SMELLED AND HOW YOU LIKED YOUR MORNING PAPER AND BREAD AND COFFEE  
> BUT I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AT ALL  
> BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOLD ME ANYTHING  
> (confessions!!!)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YES  
> I AM LIVING FOR THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and maybe This isn’t the reunion  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  …….. VANESSA  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  
>  but it’s A Start  
> they just learn about each other slowly  
> and omg  
> what if  
> they  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  settling into married life  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  make the move  
> to start sleeping  
> together again  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YEEEEESSS  
> OFC THEY DO  
> AND THEY HAVE TO  
> but how >.>  
> maybe it starts over the honeymoon  
> <.<  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like really shy and awkward (hey he doesnt know if his body is still the body that jonny loved before he got pregnant)  
> and he’s there just awkwardly sitting on the bed  
> his toes curling and peeking out from his pajamas  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JONNY LOVES HIS BODY IN ANY AND ALL WAYS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Y E S  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he’s so shy and awkward  
> but he’s like  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and ofc jonny is just THERE  
> TANNED AND BRONZED AND FIT AS FUCK  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  the baby has been keeping him awake  
> can he maybe just  
> stay here  
> for the night  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YASSS  
> and maybe they just keep to their sides of the bed  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and yesss  
> jonny is golden from the greek sun  
> topless bcos he always sleeps topless  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but they end up gravitating towards each other in the middle of the night  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he still looks like that HOT AF ripped man he was before the baby  
> and patrick is… not sure about his own body  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  USUALLY HE SLEEPS NAKED BUT HE’S MADE CONCESSIONS FOR PAT TONIGHT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  his hips are rounder  
> and he’s a little soft around the middle and pecs  
> and he KNOWS he’s put some weight on in his ass  
> >.>  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  >.>  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (none of whcih jonny minds at all)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (it’s a munchable peach butt)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick’s ass jiggling while being fucked  
> lol  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  BUT PLS CONTINUE CHINHANDS  
> WHAT HAPPENS THEN  
> HOW DOES THE REAL REUNION HAPPEN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  WITH DICKS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OFC IT DOES  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and maybe like so they end up together in themiddle of the bed  
> pat’s face in the crook of jonny’s neck, their legs intertwined  
> and jonny rubbing lazy circles on pat’s hip  
> and pat hasn’t been with anyone since he had a baby  
> and jonny’s been alone since pat left  
> and maybe the hand on pat’s hip gets heavier  
> palm now open, skating down pat’s side and thighs  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yeeeeeesss omdfmfklfg  
> I AM LIVING  
> FOR THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and maybe pat’s breathing a little bit heavy  
> that same spot where he used to kiss jonny’s mole  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny’s hand very tentatively skimming over the swell of his ass  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  very tentatively  
> very carefully  
> he doesnt want to startle pat  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  afraid that pat is going to freak again  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he’s still giving pat a way out  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yeeeessss  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat’s the one that just  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  as he should  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he’s loved jonny for so long  
> and he just bites jonny’s jaw and sucks and runs a line of kisses across jonny’s jaw and throat  
> and jonny falls into it  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  POOR PATTY ;~~;  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he knows this dance after all  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HE’S LOVED THIS MAN SO LONG AND ALL JONNY HAS DONE IS HURT HIMMMM  
> and even as he’s kissing jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  there;s a part of his brain that’s yelling about what a huge mistake he’s making AGAIN  
> that jonny’s just gonna crush his heart one more time  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  huhuhuhu JONNY DONT DO IT  
> but yes! REUNION SEX HAS HAPPENED  
> and the first time after so long is rough  
> like all the little hurts that they didnt openly fight about  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  REUNION SEX \O/  
> ;~;  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  \o/  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  it is Very Emotional  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Very Emotion Indeed  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  like on jonny’s first push in pat starts tearing up  
> because he has wanted this for so longgggg  
> and he hates himself for still wanting this and wanting jonny  
> and he also wants to make it up with jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ;___;  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and not live like this  
> in this terrible, trapped, sad marriage  
> and he wants his baby to have a happy family  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ;__;  
> MAKE THIS HAPPY SHEENA I CANT HAVE SAD 1988  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YOU MAKE THIS HAPPY  
> YOU STARTED IT!!!!  
> ok BUT  
> jonny starts like  
> kissing the tears away  
> nuzzling him gently  
> they have VERY EMOTIONAL but also VERY SAPPY and sweet sex  
> and at the end of it patrick’s clinging to jonny  
> both of them sweaty and tired  
> jonny kissing him over and over and mumbling about how SORRY he is  
> how he knows he’s let patrick and their baby down  
> but if patrick just  
> gave him a chance  
> he could make this right  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  IF HE COULD JUST GIVE HIMA  CHANCE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JUST A CHANCE. THAT’S ALL HE ASKS  
> A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT  
> PROVE HIMSELF TO BE A WORTHY HUSBAND AND FATHER  
> and patrick gives in  
> but hes like  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  PATRICK KANE GIVE HIM A CHANCE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  if you ever do anything  
> to hurt me or our baby again  
> im taking him  
> and im leaving  
> and you’ll never see us again  
> and jonny’s like dlsjkdlfkjl  
> BUT IT’S A HAPPY ENDING  
> THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER  
> WITH THEIR BABY  
> AND MANY MORE BABIES COMING AFTER  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  that night  
> is how  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  they got their second baby  
> uwu  
> SHEENA WRITE US MOAR SEX PLZ I FAIL AT THAT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  THEY GET THEIR 3RD AND 4TH AND 5TH BABIES TOO >.>  
> oh wait  
> you mean that specific night  
> LOL  
> OMG  
> ONE HIT KILL LOLLLL  
> PAT GETS PREGNANT AGAIN ON THEIR REUNION SEX  
> most fertile patrick :333333  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  : 3333333  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but this time it’s different  
> this time he has jonny with him throughout  
> as his HUSBAND  
> jonny being PROUD  
> no longer keeping him as a sekrit tryst  
> HAPPY ENDINGS ALL ROUND  
> \O/


	7. The Adventures of Alex Fortin, Time-Travelling 1988 BB On A Mission

> **cuddlefighter:**  ALEX FORTIN COULD AS WELL BE  
> KANE-TOEWS BABY NUMBER 1
> 
> **kanerboo:**  THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK  
> HE IS A 1988 BB  
> SENT BACK FROM THE FUTURE  
> TO IDK  
> GET HIS PARENTS TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND MAKE HIM  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ALEX FORTIN  
> TIME-TRAVELLING 1988 CHILD “And what’s your name, son?”  
> “Uh.” (sees a marquee of Alex Fortin’s stand up show) “Uh. Alex Fortin?’  
> he can’t tell them he’s a Kane-Toews they’d think he’s nuts  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YEEEESSS  
> and he’s obviously bilingual  
> but puts on a heavier french accent and pretends he’s a complete francophone  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YASSS  
> he shows up and needs to make sure that pat and jonny get together  
> we’re gonna hand-wave the science here but maybe in the future his siblings are disappearing!!!! and it’s because something happened in the time-space continuum that needs fixing !!!!  
> so he goes back and is like OMG SHIT WHEN DID THEY FIRST MEET WHEN WAS THEIR FIRST DATE AGH I SHOULD’VE LISTENED WHEN THEY WERE TELLING ME THESE THINGS  
> and making contrived situations where Pat and Jonny are alone together ("I thought this weekend was a team retreat.” Jonny scratches his head, looking confused. Why are there rose petals petals on the floor. “I don’t know man, Alex said there was some training camp about, uh. Face-offs. Or something. Kid sounded really vague.” Patrick shrugs.)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  alex’s siblings start disappearing  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:** and he eventually figures out  
> HIS DUMB PARENTS  
> MUST HAVE MESSED UP  
> SOMEHOW  
> he needs to go back in time  
> find that POINT OF DIVERGENCE  
> and steer them both into…. making him, instead of making whatever other stupid decision they did  
> (he shudders at the thought, but needs must)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I would doubly LAUGH if one of the plot devices is MISUNDERSTANDINGS with Jonny secretly grumbling about Alex constantly talking with Pat and Pat being squinty-jealous when Jonny talks to Alex.  
> “Do you….. like Alex?” Pat asks, very softly, under his breath. Oh, God. Jonny thinks. Pat likes Alex and he’s scoping out the competition, ie ME  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OMGFLKJFLGJLLF  
> IM DYINGGGGG  
> U R LITERALLY THE MOST CREATIVE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  my creativity is limited to useless shippy things but   
> so yes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  sharpy points out one day that alex “really looks like a mixture of you two, you guys”  
> “look at his features, he could really be your kid”  
> “imagine a kane-toews bb HAHAHAHAHA”  
> and alex, jonny and pat carefully do not look at each other  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and he has their mannerisms too  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he doessss  
> more of jonny’s  
> which is, ironically, what makes jonny think pat likes alex  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And Pat is like did Alex just do that face when Jonny’s being sassy and Jonny catches him staring at Alex and  is like UGH I CAN’T STAND PAT’S OBVIOUS CRUSH AT THE NEW KID  
> Maybe Jonny spices up his wardrobe  
> because he thinks maybe Pat’s into younger dudes, I gotta level up with these kids  
> So maybe he starts wearing really nice shirts and Givenchy leather jackets  
> And Alex is like YASSS DAD GO GET YOUR MAN  
> And Pat is like WHO ARE YOU DRESSING LIKE A YOUNG MAN FOR JONATHAN TOEWS and he sees Alex grinning happily and is like UGH I CAN’T COMPETE WITH A YOUNGER DUDE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEADDDD  
> OMFDKMLKFJG  
> THIS IS SO AMAZING AND SO TERRIBLE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and Pat starts unconsciously buying fitted pants and really nice pullovers  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JONNY DRESSING LIKE A YOUNG DUDE SKLJHDSKFD  
> a la his michigan ave shoot  
> not just fitted but like  
> SKINTIGHT pants  
> that look PAINTED ON  
> that frame his ass   
> jonny can’t stop staring  
> and then he gets upset bcos he thinks pat’s trying to seduce the newbie  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  IT IS A DELICIOUS COMEDY OF MIXED MESSAGES  
> and in the middle  
> Alex Fortin  
> Jonny dressing like
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (The painted on jeans and soft pullover look)
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YASSS  
> THERE  
> LORD  
> and Jonny is getting whiplash  
> and he ups his game by wearing ripped jeans  
> and then you have an escalating game of sexy sexy fashion  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  kdmlndfdioj  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and Sharpy is like “IS IT JUST ME OR ARE THE TWO OF YOU TRYING TO OUT-DRESS EACH OTHER”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  until they cant stand it anymore and FUCK EACH OTHER  
> AND MAKE ALEX  
> LOL  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  YES  
> UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION  
> IS  
> RESOLVED  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  no but before that they must SNAP  
> and be like  
> I KNOW YOU WANT TO FUCK ALEX, jonny roars  
> YOU’RE DRESSING UP FOR HIM  
> IN THESE… TIGHT CLOTHES  
> ALWAYS WHISPERING WITH HIM  
> and pat is like WTF  
> I WANT TO FUCK YOU, NOT ALEX  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  UR THE ONE DRESSING LIKE A 20 YEAR OLD TO GET HIS ATTENTION  
>  **pat:**  arent you ashamed of yourself? youre the captain, behave like one, instead of perving on much younger rookies  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  A COMEDY OF ERRORS  
> and jonny is AGHAST  
> How dare Pat tell him that when he’s the one who keeps staring at Alex!  
> this headcanon is both great and terrible and also HASHTAG SORRY FOR YOUR LIFE ALEX FORTIN  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  alex is SAVING HIMSELF  
> and his SIBLINGS  
> there are ELEVEN of them all depending on him  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  i can’t look at Alex Fortin’s photos without thinking about this headcanon now  
> ELEVEN SIBLINGS OMG  
> huhuhu   
> omg what if in true 90s campy family movie style  
> alex carries a family photo  
> and each time pat and jonny argue or ignore each other  
> one of his siblings disappear  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  omgggg  
> THATS SO SAD  
> CRIES  
> and he’ll hide somewhere  
> and cry over each one  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and in the end it’s just him and the twins  
> and the twins are fading now too  
> and he’s like DAMMIT I GOTTA MAKE THIS WORK  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  NOOOOOO  
> sobs brokenly  
> how does he make it work!!!!  
> chinhands  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat and jonny really have this screaming fight after a bad loss  
> and then the twins disappear when pat screams “WHY AM I EVEN IN THE SAME TEAM AS YOU!”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OH GOD NO  
> POOR ALEX  
> HE’S GOING TO START CRYING  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and he alex feels it, like his insides are being hollowed out when jonny says quietly “i don’t need ten years more of this”  
> (this is before they re-sign their 10 year contract)  
> and alex can feel it, he’s fading  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  NOOOOOOOOO  
> YOURE TERRIBLE  
> ;~~~~;  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  so alex follows jonny when he storms out  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and  shouts at jonny’s back desperately “You don’t know it and Pat will probably never tell you, but you are more important to him than anyone else will ever be!”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAASSS  
> DO IT FOR YOUR PARENTS, KIDDO  
> maybe he says, “you dont know it YET”  
> “BUT YOU WILL”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SAVE THE FAMILY ALEX  
> SAVE JONNY AND PAT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AND HE WILL  
> HE MUSTTTTT  
> IT’S WHAT HE WENT BACK IN TIME TO DOOOOOO  
> and he like  
> runs up to jonny  
> and says desperately, “i can’t tell you why, or how i know this, but you need to go back in there and tell pat you love him. you HAVE TO”  
> and jonny is at first all taken aback and is like spluttering  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  PLZ  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  what - how - WHY SHOULD I  
> and - and who says i love him anyway!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  FLUSTERED JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and alex says quietly, “you know you do. and i know it too. and i know you’ll never love anyone else in your life the way you love him”  
> and jonny’s like… how do you know this?  
> and alex just groans  
> “i can’t tell you how, but you need to trust me. please, go back and just forget your pride for a moment. tell pat the truth, that you’re in love with him.”  
> and jonny’s like  
> kid, if this is a joke you’re playing on me, i’ll make sure you never get to play in the nhl ever again. you know i can do that, right?  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and alex is like, i’ll stake my life on this if you want. nOW GO  
> and jonny hesitantly walks back  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THIS IS SO MUCH EPIC HURTY FEELS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  into the locker room  
> where pat is on the bike  
> just  
> going on it  
> (riding it ehehe)  
> looking upset and furious  
> and when jonny comes in front of him he just pedals harder and doesnt look at jonny and he’s about to say, FUCK OFF, when jonny’s like  
> I LOVE YOU PAT  
> I ALWAYS HAVE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OMG  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  i thought you liked alex and it upset me  
> BUT I LOVE YOU  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  O M G   
> and!!!!  
> AND WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and pat stops pedalling  
> and he’s panting hard  
> and he’s like  
> what… the… fuck  
> and jonny’s standing there looking him in the eye  
> not shying away at all  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and he says, “i’m so sorry, pat. i love you. i can’t ever imagine us not being on the same team. or not being together. or you not having my back.”  
> and pat probably leaps into his arms and starts kissing him like some harlequin heroine  
> and alex is peeking in from the door  
> and he sags in relief when he sees them kiss  
> HIS WORK IS DONE  
> he pulls out the family photo he keeps in his wallet  
> AND HIS SIBLINGS ARE SLOWLY COMING BACK  
> FIRST THE TWINS  
> SLOWLY FADING BACK INTO VIEW AND FILLING WITH COLOUR  
> AND THEN THE OTHERS ONE BY ONE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I AM SOBBING  
> and alex goes away  
> gos to the nhl front office and givesout some bullshit pretense of idek  
> injuries or whatever  
> and he says goodbye to pat and jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  yeeeessss  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and when his car’s about to drive off  
> “Hey lovebirds, don’t forget about me okay?”  
> AND A FEW YEARS LATER  
> JONNY  AND PAT NAME THEIR FIRST BORN  
> ALEX KANE-TOEWS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LMFAO WAIT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YOU MEAN THEY WAITED A FEW YEARS?  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  what  
> well  okay a few months  
> FINE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  i imagined they went home right after the confession and CONSUMMATED THEIR LOVE  
> and alex was obviously a one-hit baby  
> LOL  
> LMFAOOO  
> BUT YEEEESSS  
> ALEX KANE-TOEWS  
> and alex goes back into his time  
> 24 years in the future  
> back to his crazy, chaotic family and 11 siblings  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and he sees pat and jonny   
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and his embarrassing parents  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and are like  
> DAD!  
> PAPA!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  who still french kiss around their kids  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YAAAAASSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and they’re like UH OKAY THIS IS A HAPPY CHANGE OF ATTITUDE  
> WHAT HAPPENED TO MOVING WITH YOUR UNCLE HOSS IN EUROPE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LMFAOOOO  
> jonny’s like, does this mean i can grope your dad’s ass in the kitchen now and you’re not going to say anything about moving in with uncle hoss?  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and alex is like GROPE HIM ! I DONT CARE! I AM ALIVE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and alex goes around the house  
> looking for each of his siblings  
> and hugging and kissing each one  
> and they are ALL bewildered  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and pat is like, your son’s not taking your recreational herbs, is he?  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  except the smollest bb who is just 16 months old  
> who babbles and laughs and kisses alex back  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  DAWWWWWWWWW  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AND HE IS HAPPY  
> HE’LL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DADS OR HIS SIBLINGS AGAIN


	8. Zamboni Baby, Part Deux and the Toews Zombies

>   
> 
> 
> Well nonny, you’re in luck as there is definitely more where that came from.
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  ZAMBONI BABY
> 
>   
> 
> 
> ignore the lightning bits  
> BUT!!!!!  
> ahuhuhuhu  
> zamboniiiiiiiiiiiiiiii  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OMGGGGG  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  This is  
> An  
> ATTACK  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  did it HURT  
> ahuhuhu  
> the bab has a binkyyyyy  
> look at how huge the bauer helmet looks on himmmmm  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  he takes after his dad, with the binky  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  the Chews™  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  SO adorable, little bab just out there doin’ his best  
> apparently this is a thing?
> 
> **kanerboo:**  oh my GOD  
> there are gonna be these zambonis ALL OVER the house  
> patrick and jonny get one for each child  
> it’s going to be mayhem  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  HE IS DOING HIS BEST  
> HIS BESTEST  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  his siblings are more likely to use them as bumper cars  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  but zamboni baby is dedicated to the task at hand  
> slowly rolling along, turning at neat right angles, like some sort of surveillance roomba  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SURVEILLANCE ROOMBA  
> I AM CRYING
> 
> The bab is amazed. THIS ONE HAS DADA’S FACE  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  He would be SO honored to drive that one.  
> (he would also like to decorate his own)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  He protectively wraps his tiny body around his zamboni (a Little Tikes Car repurposed by the equipment guys) and shakes his head sadly  
> his emphatic head-shake meaning PLZ DO NOT TOUCH MY ZAMBONI he says imploringly to his siblings  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  probably neatly parallel parks it in his dad’s office  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  mindful of corners  
> huhuhu  
> pat and jonny plastering themselves flat to the hallway wall while zamboni bb drives by  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “YIELD,” a tiny voice yells.  
> Going at a steady 3mph.  
> Patrick is concerned.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “I’m yielding, I’m, yielding.” Jonny shouts, with his hands up. The bab gives him a pleased, business-like nod as he drives past his dad.  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  huhuhuhuhu HE DOES  
> HE SO SO SO DOES  
> i think adult zamboni bb  
> sometimes wistfully looks at zambonis  
> during practice skates  
> cant drive ‘em now, being a profesh hockey player and all  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  probably cries when his face ends up on the side of one like his dad  
> no bobblehead night for this bb, just a mini zamboni giveaway  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ahhhhhhhhh  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Ok but like  
> His favorite book
> 
> It’s just open to the last page all the time bc that’s the only on bab cares about  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AHHHHHHHHH  
> a Good Bab  
> his papa is SO PROUD  
>  ****
> 
> **miss-malheur:**  Patrick’s looks, jonnys morning grumpiness
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** ahhhhhhhHHHH  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  oh my godddd, so PRECIOUS  
> she definitely inherited jonny’s morning grumps  
> all she wants in the morning is her milk and then another nap, daddy  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and her binky ahuhuhuhu  
> Just shuffle-walks to Jonny and Pat’s room  
> lands face-first on the duvet  
> makes unintelligible noises through her binky  
> “Mmmmmfdfdfph” the grumpy bab says.  
> Jonny gets up, half-asleep. It’s Wednesday so he’s on Breakfast Duty.  
> Gets the bab some milk and himself some coffee.  
> And when Pat wakes up later, he finds them both in the sofa, the bab half-heartedly sucking on her milk bottle while Jonny’s slurping his coffee with half-lidded sleepy eyes.  
> My two favorite zombies, Pat sighs happily  
>  ****
> 
> **miss malheur:**  Haha, I think this one is old enough to already drink from a mug but okay, maybe not early in the morning while still half asleep  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  she may look like pat, but her personality is ALL jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **miss malheur:**  Poor Patrick ^^  
> (actually lucky Patrick)  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  hmmmm maybe out of her fave sippy cup instead
> 
> curly bedhead is alllll Pat, so cute


	9. The Zamboni Baby

> **nuuclears:**  I like to imagine like  
> One of the kiddos is kinda more introverted like pat? Like a bit more reserved  
> And Jonny is just  
> SO GOOD  
> with them  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddefighter:**  Huhu this quiet little bab  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  He’s got a lot of practice u know  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddefighter:**  Face always tucked on the crook of jonny’s neck  
> Jonny going ‘look look they’re saying hi do you wanna go and say hi too’  
> In hawks family things huhu  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  I am….  
> Actually dead  
> You have killed me with this inage  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  A TINY QUIET BAB, JUST CHEWING ON A SMALL FLOPPY ELEPHANT (“a wellyphant, dada!”)
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Tiny kiddo shakes head  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Huhuhu SOBBING  
> TOO MUCH FEELS  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Curls tickling Jonny’s chin  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  huhuhuhuhu  
> And the bab is so SHY and he addresses all questions to his dada  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  “that’s ok too,” Jonny says  
> Big palm resting on tiny head  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Dada can sadie share? I want cookies too”  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  YAAAAS like tugging on Dad’s shirt  
> Whichever one is closest  
> “papa, what is the lady holding”  
> “oh. How does it work?”  
> Bc he always want to know how everything works  
> Pat’ll be like  
> I don’t know, you should go ask her  
> Bc he thinks Bab should like learn to talk to people more  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Huhuhu  
> And the bab wibbles  
> STRANGERS OH NO  
> he is a MOST CURIOUS BAB  
> patpatpat-ing things in the house. How do toasters make bread crunchy!  
> Peering at hockey equipment  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Yesssss  
> “Daddy why is your stick like that”  
> “but Papa’s isn’t”  
> “is that why you score more goals”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Equipment guys giving him a ride in trolleys (PAUL IS HIS FAVORITE BECAUSE PAUL SHOWS HIM HOCKEY THINGS)  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  HOCKEY  
> THINGS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “You want a strawberry smoothie too?” Paul asks. The bab nods shyly “yes please” he says  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Omfg  
> Strawberry  
> Yes only strawberry  
> Paul Knows  
> One time Paul is out  
> And am intern tries to give him  
> Peach  
> It is Bad  
> Bab doesn’t want to say anything  
> But  
> Really Paul should come back  
> Asap  
> Pat finds him like fifteen minutes later sitting on the bench starting sadly at the undrunk smoothie  
> “it’s peach,” Bab tells him v sadly  
> Pat can’t help making a face because yeah he agrees  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Huhu yes he’d be quiet  
> His Special Cup with the Twirly Straw untouched  
> (All his older siblings are drinking Gatorade)  
> (In measured amounts because SUGAR, pat says scandalized)  
> Paul carries the bab around during games  
> Bab knows Hockey but doesnt have the Attention Span to Figure out Who Is Winning  
> So paul totes him around  
> Paul is going to show him where they keep the ZAMBONI  
> The bab is @_@  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Omg the ZAMBONI  
> Like the holy grail  
> Of hockey stuff  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  LIKE A KIND RUMBLY ICE GIANT  
> JUST CALMLY GOING ROUND AND ROUND  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Bab is obsessed with it  
> During intermissions Paul brings him out  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OBSSESSED  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  So he can watch  
> The hockey is eh  
> But the ZAMBONI  
> one time he gets to RIDE IT  
> and he just about  
> Expires  
> From sheer delight  
> It’s during practice or something  
> Maybe after  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SITTING BESIDE THE DRIVER’ SEAT  
> BB VIBRATING WITH EXCITEMENT  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  He prob thinks Zamboni driver is like  
> The Pinnacle of careers  
> They’re basically superheros  
> They get to drive the zamboni EVERY DAY  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and when his dads ask him if he wants to play hockey too  
> He’s like NO ZAMBONI PLS  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  Like skating is cool he guesses  
> But why would you skate  
> When you could RIDE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and then  
> And then!!!  
> There’s this one time where they’re hanging out in the rink  
> Bab asks  
> “Where’s the zamboni dada!”  
> Jonny patiently explaining, the ice is still smooth and clean and Mr Zamboni has no job to do  
> the bab GASPS  
> in his little head  
> No skating = no zamboni????!?!  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  He’s never heard anything as shocking as  
> Mr Zamboni having no job to do  
> Not even when his big sister said that grape jelly was better than strawberry  
> Omg after that does he like  
> Get obsessed with trying to get people to skate  
> So that Mr Zamboni can come out  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Bab scrunching his face in Determination  
> And Self Sacrifice  
> He is not Jonathan Toews son for nothing  
> “Dada, skates please!” He demands imperiously  
> He WILL SKATE  
> he will help MR ZAMBONI GET HIS JOB BACK  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  I am literally CRYING  
> he will Do what it Takes  
> He will GO THE DISTANCE  
> FOR MR ZAMBONI  
> And that is the story of how bab starts playing youth hockey  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (Years later, when he becomes a draft pick)  
> (Reporters swarm him)  
> (What made you decide to follow your parents’ footsteps! They ask)  
> (Bab goes, in a deadpan voice that would make both his parents proud, ‘uh, just wanted to help the zamboni i guess’)  
>  ****
> 
> **nuuclears:**  SCREAMING  
> I AM  
> SCREAMING  
> I NEED THISSSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SOMEONE DO THE THING
> 
> (as helpfully supplied by Katie, the Zamboni Baby)
> 
>   
> 


	10. Patrick Kane, Secret Harlequin Novelist

> **cuddlefighter:**  (omg novelist au patrick kane, snapback bro, is a secret campy regency novel writer)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OOOOHHHH  
> OR  
> OR  
> still hockey player patrick  
> but with a secret hobby  
> of writing TORRID, sexy, steamy, campy regency novels  
> which he posts online under some pen name  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  I  
> LIKE IT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and maybe one day  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  with passages like “tongues meeting forth like angry hockey players”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  after he’s been secretly pining for his captain for a long ass while  
> he maybe starts a new book  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  omg he writes a book  
> A BOOK  
> WITH THINLY VEILED REFERENCES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  involving a dark haired, serious-eyed, serious-faced, but devastatingly handsome duke  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Captain Jamison Knaves  
> STONEFACED HERO FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS oh god  
> he can be a captain AND a duke  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and his rakish, pretty, blue-eyed, curly blond-haired rival  
> i mean rival in cards and fencing  
> LMAO  
> a brash american who has just landed in london  
> named uhhhh peter knight  
> oh and the uppity hot duke is named james tennesson  
> or whatever just go with it  
> lmfao  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (“But can’t dukes buy commissions to have a higher rank other than captain–” his editor points out. “HE IS A CAPTAIN” Pat furiously types)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:** (Pat’s editor is DYING)  
> (Somewhere, in an NHLPLA meeting)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (pat’s editor DEFINITELY knows pat is writing about himself and jonny)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (“Well Tazer, if you can share what’s keeping you so occupied from a very important discussion on player health and safety, do let me know.” Sidney Crosby glares)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (how is jonny expected to share that he is in the midst of reading a very steamy scene between peter and james where they’re fucking on the riverbank as their horses graze close by)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Or the part where they make sweet sweet love in front of the 20-foot marble fireplace in the duke’s ancestral french castle  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (“Twenty feet is a FIRE HAZARD, Mr Kane.” the editor points out sadly.)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (“i do not care,” pat replies furiously, seated on his giant red throne in his bedroom)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (Pat angrily slams his hands down. “My creativity will not be bullied!”)  
> While his blackhawks socks-covered toes dig indignantly in plush customized 88 rug  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  how dare his editor deprive his readers of such magnificence and decadence  
> he will have you know that the duke is rich enough to have a 20 foot marble fireplace!!  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Somewhere  
> Jonny is pondering the wastefulness of fossil fuels being burned in 20-foot fireplaces while he plows through the second novel in the series, Daringness of the Duke  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  Deadddd  
> Patrick has the best titles  
> The second novel is where a bunch of unscrupulous scoundrels find out about james’ and peter’s love affair  
> And kidnap peter!!  
> And demands that the duke pays his entire estate in ransom  
> Except James does not do that  
> Instead he breaks into the scoundrels’ stronghold in uhhhh Buckinghamshire  
> And slays them all and effects a rescue  
> Hence the “daringness of the duke”  
> Oh he’s accompanied by peter’s best friend peter sharpe ofc  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  And his own best friend brenton seamus  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and Keith O'Duncan  
> or…. something…. (“You named his friends ‘Brenton Seamus’ and Keith O'Duncan?” “These are respectable names for strapping Scottish lairds!”)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but omg YES somehow the entire team has been suckered into reading patrick’s erotic regency novels  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  because everyone is hooked now, no thanks to jonny toting dem books everywhere  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  BUT WAIT do they figure out that peter knight = patrick kane and john tennyson = jon toews  
> (i thought he should be named john instead of james lmfao)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (“Why can’t you use a Kindle like everyone else!” Patrick grouses. “It’s not THE SAME KANER.” Jonny huffs)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and DUNCAN O'KEITH  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  i think everyone is side-eyeing the series by book two or three  
> because they are Not Blinded By Their Physical Proximity to Patrick Kane (Jonathan Toews)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  asldkjlfksdfs  
> #accurate  
> schmaltz getting to one of the particularly filthy sex scenes  
> and being like  
> “this is weird, but i feel like i’m reading about my parents having sex…”  
> vinnie fervently agreeing  
> and then being like “but bro, this shit is strangely addictive”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Kitty is in for the True Love  
> While Hayds is nitpicking everything that’s historically inaccurate  
> LUBRICANTS IN REGENCY ENGLAND?  
> WHAT A LOAD OF GNOSH  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  saad and vinnie are like “brooooo when john threw peter’s legs over his shoulders and really pounded him on the chaise lounge!! that was hot bro”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  do they skype hartzy for book unboxing  
> yes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  while dbc just goes all starry eyed and sighs “but you can tell they really love each other!”  
> LMFAO HAYDS  
> he’d be like LISTEN THEY’D HAVE USED PERFUMED OILS IN THOSE DAYS. NO ONE HAD LUBE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  omg which accidentally PK SUBBAN OVERHEARS  
> and PK  
> being, well, PK  
> is like  
> “SHOW ME THIS NOVEL”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  also sharpy would take GREAT pleasure in reading torrid passages of the book out loud on the team plane or bus, LOUDLY, right next to jonny’s and patrick’s steadily redder faces  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  who then reads it to Pricey (“They were separated but their LOVE PREVAILED” PK wails. Price hums in a non-committal manner)  
> YES HE WOULD  
> “Oh check this out, I love the part where Jonny-James slathers strawberries and cream on Pat’s-Peter’s chest…”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  “listen to this, peeks: 'oh, john!’ whimpers peeksy - peter, as jonny- oh, i meant john, slides his throbbing manhood into the split of his sweet peach buttocks. 'please, put it in me, my dearest, for i can no longer hold myself back from the thought of the pleasure of being impaled upon your greatest weapon…’”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  This call happens while Gally and Chucky are being idiots in the background and ofc, are like WHAT THIS BOOK HAS BUTTSEX WHAT  
> Thank God Hoss doesn’t have to be here for this  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AND THIS IS HOW THE BOOKS START SPREADING THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE. AND PATRICK’S LIKE, WHAT HAVE I DONEEEE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  LOL @ PEOPLE CALLING PAT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE HE HAS ADVANCE COPIES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  lmfao pat makes up some lie that his cousin knows the publisher  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  it appeals to the NHL, okay? perseverance and working hard? right up the nhl hoo-rah alley (“It’s perseverance towards buttsex” Getzlaf points out. Everyone shushes him)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  shut it, getzlaf, u dick  
> exactlyyyy  
> there’s like perseverance  
> and surmounting obstacles  
> near death experiences  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Brad Marchand has taken to body-dipping other players while he angles his crotch towards their legs  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  also True Love  
> and hot sex  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  REFEREES ARE IN AN UPROAR  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  there’s something in it for everyone  
> CREYS ODMLFJLJD  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  no one is SAFE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick watches in horror as marchand does that to kitty during a game. WHAT HAVE I DONE he whispers to himself  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “5 minutes for Marchand…. dipping Debrincat. And, uh. Humping his leg.”  
> Everyone is now emotionally invested in James and Peter’s love affair  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEAD  
> all the players trading snippets  
> someone - probably hayden - forms an nhl BOOK CLUB  
> where they discuss the books  
> and theories about what happens next  
> and also start reading patrick’s older novellas lmfao  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Let’s discuss Chapter 6, the validity of Peter questioning his love for John. Is it love? Or is it just really lust? Discuss.”  
> Tyson Barrie believes there’s a happy ending. Gabe Landeskog calls him out to be contrary “Not everything ends happily!”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “But it can!” Tyson says, while dreamily looking at Gabe’s ridiculous face  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  pat being dragged into the book club  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat has not intentionally taken to misspelling everything he writes  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and having to bite his lip to burst out with a I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  In the vain hope that no one would ever think that he’s a writer  
> and just being quiet while everyone gets the plot wrong  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HOW VERY DARE YOU?? PETER TRULY DOES LOVE JOHN AND IT IS NOT LUST AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHY IN CHAPTER 26, SCENE ELEVEN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  just angrily chewing on his salsa and aggressively plunking it in the dip  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  after analysing some of the older books  
> sikura says hesitantly  
> anyone noticed that this writer likes to use P and J names for their protaganists?  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And everyone is like “…..that’s right.”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  sharpy: oh, im glad you brought that up, young padawan  
> grinning gleefully at pat from across the room  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and Pat is like DOES ANYONE WANT TO TRY THE POT PIE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  dbc says thoughtfully, you knwo, whoever the writer is, i know for SURE that they must be DEEPLY in love with a man with a J name. and they must have been hurt badly by this J too. you just can’t write all that emotion and love without experiencing it!  
> a muscle twitches in jonny’s jaw  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Kitty is Too Pure  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  what a sweet bab  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Vinnie is like “P WANT’S J’S D”  
> PREACH, shmaltzy screams. they bro-five  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  hartman: oh yeah, that bro wants it REAL BAD  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Sharpy nods enthusiastically, brain cells, finally  
> Patrick Kane is surrounded by horrible horrible people  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  lmfaodnm,kljjlk  
> hayden is all, can you guys STOP focusing on the sex scenes and talk about the historical inaccuracies in chapter 8??  
>  ****
> 
> **vinnie:**  no can do bro we only like to read about throbbing cocks plunging deep into wet holes  
> and high fives hartman  
> patrick is MORTIFIED  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Hayden corners Saader to Discuss this. “I don’t understand why it says here 'neatly trimmed groin’, I don’t think they trimmed their pubic hairs in the 1800s.” Hayden points out the page. Saader nods. He was a rookie along with Shawzy, he’s good at making agreeing noises.  
> Vinnie and Schmaltz have the sex scenes probs marked. For easier reference.  
> BRO WHERE’S THE ONE WHERE THEY FUCK IN THE STABLES AND USE THE LEATHER BELTS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEASLKFJDSL;AK  
> all of this is accurate tbh  
> hayden just can’t get over how they use “lubricant” all the time. “OIL!!! THEY’D HAVE USED PERFUMED OILS!!! GODDAMMIT!” he spits  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  OK BUT imagine hartzy cornering schmaltz one day and being like  
> you wanna try out THAT SCENE  
> in book 4  
> you know THAT ONE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  oh my god  
> oh my god  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  where peter and john fucked in the most athletic twisty position ever  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  has patrick unwittingly unleashed some sort of bro-kama sutra  
> a BROSUTRA  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  at the end of 40 mins they’re collapsed in a heap and being like oh god this position is IMPOSSIBLE THIS CANNOT BE DONE IRL  
> CREYS  
> THE BROSUTRA  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  hartzy’s like look, i’ll even rent a regency costume from a halloween store for this  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It probs can be done, and only by Jeff Skinner, because he’s a bendy twisty magical fucker who isnt human  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  to ~remain authentic~  
> (patrick is pretty flexible too, js /leers)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  (jonny and probs try it out)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  cue jonny being AMAZED that pat can actually twist in that manner  
> the leather belts in the stables inspired schmaltz very much  
> js  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  nods  
> who knew being suspended in position x can angle the penis to hit prostrate just so? the author is a genius  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LMFAO  
> imagine jonny reading it and thinking, but HOW DID PATRICK KNOW THIS  
> and getting hit with an abrupt and irrational stab of jealousy  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  WHO HAS PATRICK BEEN DOING THIS WITH  
> HELLO PATRICK JONNY WANTS TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HIS DICK CAN STAB YOUR PROSTATE UNTIL YOU CUM UNTOUCHED  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  WHY DOES HE FEEL SO MUCH IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY  
> also DUH OFC IT CAN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  does Jonny know have Thoughts™  
> Thinky Thoughts™  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny wants patrick to know that he has a dick that can make patrick scream and cry and beg for more!!  
> he has ALLLLLLL the Thinky Thoughts  
> when theyre in the dressing room  
> he finds his eye drawn  
> to patrick’s lovely rounded ass in his leggings  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “I can bend in perfect 60 degree angles and my penis, when fully erect, is 8.1 inches” Jonny tells Pat matter-of-factly “Wuh” is what Patrick says after several minutes. Jonny shouldn’t have called Pat at 4AM about this, but dammit. Pat has to know  
> Munchable peach butt  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  i often imagine jonny with his face buried in that butt ngl  
> LMFASDJF  
> jonny might have been a little drunk  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Dutch courage, and all that.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  but this info is, well, very good for patrick  
> good enough for HIM to have his own Thinky Thoughts  
> more thinky thoughts, at least.  
> bcos he’s been having thoughts about jonny for years  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Lots of Thoughts™  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  thoughts about that 8.1 inch dick  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  that has resulted to an Amazon Bestseller, 8 weeks straight now  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  lmfaodskljhjf A++++  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Blackmailed by an NMC, Bound by Marriage”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SCREAMS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  cold hearted general manager Johann Tooevs (o is an umlaut) seduces hockey star Caine Peters by BINDING HIM TO AN NMC SO HE CAN ALSO BIND HIS HEART  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  JOHANN TOOEVS SLKJDLKF  
> SCREAMS  
> omg  
> YES  
> this is patrick’s first book after the rousing success of the duke and his american series  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and the nhl book club dudes are like  
> WOAH BROS  
> SOMETHING WE CAN TOTES IDENTIFY WITH  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Kitty clutching his shirt in anxiety  
> OMG WILL THIS END IN TEARS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  poor dbc  
> he’s so into this writer  
> and these books  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  omg the new gay hockey series would be like 10 books of Johann chasing Caine across the league  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Finally! A relatable series!” -Anonymous Amazon Reviewer #1  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LOL THAT’S HAYDEN ISNT IT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “DUDE DO THEY FUCK IN THE SHOWERS” -Anonymous Amazon Reviewer # 2  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  schmaltz, reading book 2 thoughtfully: “guys, do you realise the description of this Midwest Center area sounds a lot like the UC? like the layout and everything?”  
> “but how does the writer know how the UC looks like INSIDE”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “This series mirrors a lot of characters in my current professional life and I am frankly pleased that they have chosen a creative outlet, no matter how inaccurate the actual hockey business practices are. THIS IS NOT HOW NMCS WORK!” - Anonymous Amazon Reviewer # 3  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LMAO  
> WHAT IF THAT’S FROM PAT BRISSON  
> LOLLLLL  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  EVERYONE IS READING IT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:** and to think  
> this all started just bcos jonny insisted on buying the actual paperbacks and carrying them around


	11. Indignant Pornfan Jonny Toews

> **cuddlefighter:**  This is an au
> 
> Where is the au for this  
> There’s an au in here somewhere  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  TWO TIDDLYWINKS OF CUM  
> CRYING  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Indignant pornfan Jonny Toews watching his fave Patty Kane.  
> “I CAN DO BETTER” jonny fumes  
> (Plot twist: he does. He really does)  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  "really? REALLY?? you get to choke this gorgeous guy on your pathetic dick for 20 mins and all you manage to give him is two miserable tiddlywinks of cum? FUCK YOU. I COULD DO BETTER. I COULD SPRAY HIM WITH COME AND COVER HIM IN IT. AND MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS. you’re a real asshole, pal.”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SO INDIGNANT. Patty worked hard for that scene.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  pat probaby reads the comments  
> bcos he reads the comments on all his scenes  
> comes to this one  
> and chokes on his coffee  
> TWO TIDDLYWINKS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  TWO TIDDLYWINKS  
> Jonny is SO SO SO INDIGNANT.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny KNOWS he could do better  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “I am going to audition” jonny shakes his fist “and when my cumshot comes, noah BETTER BUILD A BOAT”  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DEAD  
> DEADDDDDD  
> YOU HAVE THE BEST WAY WITH WORDS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Patrick is very very impressed  
> WHO IS THIS DUDE, he wonders  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  I HOPE THIS DUDE IS HOT, he thinks  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny comes to the edition waxed and oiled to an inch of his life  
> Pat’s seen dicks.  
> But jonny has the most GORGEOUS DICK  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  WAXED AND OILED DLJKLFJ  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Like  
> Like!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ugh but unf yes  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  The henrik lundvqist of dicks  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  deliciously thick and long and pink  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It has no bad angle  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  NONE  
> even the way his precome beads on the head and glistens is gorgeous  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It GLISTENS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  the person the dick is attached to ain’t bad either  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Nod nod nod  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  comes with a summer tan, abs to die on, thick af arms and thighs  
> and he deffo doesn’t give patrick two miserable tiddlywinks of cum : 3  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And jonny is like both super in awe of patty kane, who is like, his FAVE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  YESSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  TWO TIDDLYWINKS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HIS FAVE PORNSTAR  
> SINCE THE DAY PATTY BROKE INTO THE INDUSTRY  
> he can hardly believe he passed an audition  
> and is HERE  
> getting to see patty kane up close and nude and lying spread out on a bed for him  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  And made waves with his epic debut film, SAVING RYAN’S PRIVATES  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  CREYS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny has PREPARED FOR THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and then his second film was a smash hit, BLACK COCKS DOWN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OH GOD  
> And jonny is like super intense  
> Meanwhile pat is just being all snuggly and cute in this fuzzy robe while he waits for the camera to roll  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  ahhhhh yesssss  
> he’s got a teeny bit of makeup on just for the camera  
> just like a little blusher to emphasise his cheekbones  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “He’s so cuddly” jonny cries inside, while remaining a Pillar of Canadian Stoicism outside  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  mascara for his already ultra long lashes  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and some lip tint to bring out the pink of his lips more  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  HE’S THE PRETTIEST THING JONNY HAS EVER SEEN ON FILM OR IRL  
> jonny is like  
> maybe i didnt think this through  
> WHAT IF I NUT  
> TWO MINUTES INTO THE SCENE  
> AND PATRICK KANE LAUGHS AT ME  
> he is Very Determined  
> to remain canadian and Stoic  
> so he does not nut early   
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  But PATRICK’S MOUTH  
> AND HIS BUTT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  He has the most delicious butt. Jonny is v v anxious  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LOLLLL  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and the way he rocks himself back on jonny’s cock when jonny slides it between his cheeks and rubs over his hole  
> like he’s desperate for it  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny kinda spaces out a bit in ecstasy during that first push  
> The tightest and warmest. HIS DICK IS HOME  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It’s never leaving.  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick squeezing down on him like he doesnt want jonny’s cock to leave either  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It’s investing in expensive furnishings and redoing the wallpaper  
> Jonny gets all swoony at pat’s muscle control  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  patrick on the other hand is EXTREMELY IMPRESSED  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  He will NOT NUT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  with the size of jonny’s dick  
> and the way he knows how to use it  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  It’s the size of a baby’s forearm probably  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  DO U WANT PATRICK TO RUPTURE  
> but ok let’s go with it >.>  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Sorry bad image  
> <.<  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  coughs  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  glances shiftily  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny’s playing with his nipples while he fucks into patrick  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  V V SENSITIVE  
> i bet pat is into nipple play  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  100%  
> those constantly hard nipples must be sensitive  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Super sensitive  
> Jonny uses tongue AND teeth  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and patrick’s making so much noise and writhing so much he’s working his ass around jonny’s dick and jonny is legit afraid he’s gonna nut  
> lol  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Pat mightve come, he feels embarrassed, HE IS THE PROFESSIONAL HERE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  pat definitely comes  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Must. Not. Nut!  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  jonny applies himself very diligently  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  to the nipple playing and the attack on patrick’s prostate  
> but there’s a second when he thinks he’s going to go off  
> when patrick actually comes first  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  with a gasp and wide, shocked eyes  
> like he can’t believe jonny made him come  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny is hitting that prostate like a PRO  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  handsfree  
> no touching of his dick  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  NODS  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and he’s so tight around jonny’s cock jonny thinks he is going to DIE  
> he’s RIGHT on the edge  
> and the director says OK JONNY  
> GIVE US THE MONEY SHOT  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  Jonny pulls out and kneewalks up patrick’s body  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  JIZZ ! JIZZ EVERYWHERE ! SO MUCH JIZZ PAT LOOKS LIKE AN ICED SPONGE CAKE !  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  watches in a daze as patrick closes his lips around the head of his dick  
> they’re pink and wet and the lip gloss they put on him is smearing down jonny’s dick  
> jonny jerks himself off just staring at patrick’s mouth work lazily around his cock  
> fingers bumping patrick’s sticky lips  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and pulls pat off right before he’s about to come  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Working the sticky-slick into patrick’s skin and lips and mouth  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  camera gets a fantastic shot of him spurting into patrick’s open mouth and across his lips and chin  
> and it’s………. a lot of spurting  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  The producer is v v impressed  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  like it’s pooling in patrick’s mouth and leaking out in thick rivulets  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and when he’s finished wringing out every last drop  
> jonny is like  
> FUCK YEAH  
> THAT WAS NOT TWO FUCKING TIDDLYWINKS  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Dude can hose down a fire with the amount of jizz we just saw” the producer gasps  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU DESERVED BCOS YOU[’RE THE BEST, PAT  
> he’s kind of high and dazed  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  suffice to say, Jonny Toews, porn star is BORN  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  so he can’t be blamed  
> and patrick stares up at him with come still spilling down his chin and chest  
> and is like YOU?  
> YOURE THE TIDDLYWINKS GUY?  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  I’VE WANTED TO KNOW WHO YOU WERE  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  TIDDLYWINKS GUY  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  SINCE I SAW THAT COMMENT  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  OMG  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THIS IS LIKE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  and hence A GREAT GAY LOVE IS ALSO BORN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  CYRANO DE BERGERAC  
> BUT WITHOUT LIKE  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  AT THE SAME TIME THAT JONNY TOEWS, PORN STAR PAR EXCELLENCE, IS BORN  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THE OTHER DUDE  
> THE GREATEST GAY LOVE  
> also the Greatest Porn Cumshot  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  LMFDLKJLFD  
> it wins the greatest cumshot award at the year end porn awards  
> and jonny wins best newcomer  
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  (newCOMEr)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “It was YOU!” Pat gasps “YOU wrote those comments!”   
>  ****
> 
> **kanerboo:**  dklsjlkfjlkdnfl  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  DID WE JUST IMPROV-FIC 


	12. The Jonny Toews Gene, Kes’ Longest Con & Baby Super Kaner

> **cuddlefighter:**  i just remembered jonny in his jacket-t shirt outfits and then i’m like
> 
> well he defo would do this
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:** hahaha that baby’s expression is priceless  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  little bb’s already looking at everybody judgily  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “let ME tell YOU about my dad’s face off stats, son”  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  LOL  
> He’s got the patented Toews Lazer Eyes™️  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “BUH!” jonny’s bb screams at some dude wearing a Rangers snapback  
>  _this is chicago, hawks or gtfo_ , is what his tiny baby babble means  
> patrick is mildly alarmed at the sudden surge of the Jonny Toews that their son is showing  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “BUH!” has been said before, but never so ardently  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  “Jonny, babe, maybe me and the baby should have some quality time.”  _Before the baby starts punching people in Ducks jerseys_ , is what Patrick doesnt say  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  omg does that mean this baby does not condone rubber duckies at bathtime?  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he squeezes them with  _extreme prejudice_  
>  Jonny nods, satisfied  
> their son will  _never_  be a Ducks fan  
> (Plot Twist: Their son is drafted by the Ducks and resurrects their franchise. He is hailed as a hero in Anaheim. “Just like how his parents did with Chicago!”, sportswriters sigh. Pat pats Jonny consolingly while Kes beams at the corner, avenged.)  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  omg it’s like Kes’ Longest Con  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  probably was the sound of strangled rubber ducky   
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Jonny is pinning his hope on the twins “BRING THE CUP BACK TO CHICAGO” Jonny tells them while hugging them fiercely. “Dad” one of them squeaks, the exact carbon copy of Patrick, but with his eyes “we’re  _ten_.”  
> “Yes, but when the Hawks draft you–” Patrick pinches him. “Stop being dramatic, Jesus.”  
> Jonny looks affronted. He’s not the one who reminds their kids that they’re half-American and should play for Team USA,  _or so help me I will disown everyone of you_ every year  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**
> 
> Super Kane shoes  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  SUPER BABY KANER  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  Jonny thinks the mini-cape is a hazard.  
> “Our baby will fly before he walks,” Pat rationalizes.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  There is absolutely zero sense in Pat’s reasoning  
> But it was delivered with the Patrick Kane Eyes™  
> you know the one  
> they compromise with  
> Baby Clark Kent
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  “Baby Super-Kaner,” Patrick whispers.  
> The bb gnaws on the specs in approval.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  Baby has the Chews™ just like Kaner  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Dude  
> Kaner and Jonny’s last year in the league they’re at the ASG  
> And Kaner is gonna do a reprise of Super Kaner  
> But suddenly Jonny comes out with their baby  
> Also dressed like Kaner  
> And Kaner has him shoot the puck  
> They win the competition  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  I WOULD VOTE  ALL THE VOTES  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and the bb does the widdlest BOOM BABY move  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  And the baby looks so proud of himself  
> YES  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THE CROWD GOES WILD  
> BABY HEARTBREAKER


	13. More Camboy!AU, the Heartboners Origins & Tyler Seguin, Accidental Pimp

> **j19toews:**
> 
> THAT JAW COULD CUT GLASS ([x](https://cuddlefighter.tumblr.com/post/174964048813/darthtulip41415-jonathan-toews-has-an-eventful))  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  pat just marking that JAW  
> biting  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Welp  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  You said “pat just marking that jaw” And my first thought was “with his come?”  
> I NEED TO GET MY HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh god pat sitting on jonny’s chest  
> and just  
> striping jonny’s face  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤  
> And Jonny LETTING him  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  jonny’s eyes fluttering close  
> and that perfect cupid’s bow mouth just open  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  THAT MENTAL IMAGE JESUS  
> IT’S HOT LIKE BURNING  
> 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  (omg are they doing this in the cam boy au)  
> and after pat’s cum is splattered all over jonny’s face  
> pat just  
> SMEARS IT  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  (PROBABLY, YES)  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  while sloppily kissing jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  (THAT’S THEIR NEXT VIDEO AFTER THE FIRST ONE)  
> OH GOD AND JONNY JUST LETS PAT DO IT  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH GOD  
> THIS CAM BOY AU HAS EATEN MY BRAIN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  HONESTLY SAME  
> (This may be our best AU yet ;____; I cant stop thinking about it)  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  IT HAS TO BE WRITTEN  
> WHOEVER IS THAT KIND SOUL WHO WANTS TO WRITE IT  
> WE’RE CHEERING YOU ON BB  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  BUT THEY’RE STILL ROMANTIC AF
> 
> like imagine  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  pat  posting this  on his vlog  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  OMG YAS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  ‘hey guys’  
> 'this isn’t gonna be a solo show anymore’  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  And then they see how hot Jonny is ;___;  
> And are like “THANK GOD”  
> 😂  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  TRUE  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  But it’s relief that he’s not gone and in fact is back with even hotter content than before  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and ofc some fans leave because CANDYKANE88 IS TAKEN  
> but he gets an unexpected wave of new  
> fans  
> who are like SHIPPING THEM HARDCORE  
> YES  
> because for serious THEIR SEX IS HOT  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  OMG  
> Yassss  
> Omg one of the videos is Jonny edging Pat  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  omg  
> (do they do daddy kink later along the way)  
> OH GOD PAT JUST COMING APART  
> ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  (JFC YOU’RE MELTING MY BRAIN WITH HOTNESS OMG)  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  like pat’s just BEGGING  
> and maybe that’s when it slips out  
> DADDY  
> oh god and they just run with it  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and jonny’s just like  
> YOU CANT COME YET BABY  
> (jonny toews turns out to be a porn natural WHO KNEW)  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  OH SHIT ACCIDENTAL DADDY KINK???  
> OMFG YASSS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  so maybe they start out with shots like these
> 
> like pretty artsy  
> YES ACCIDENTAL DADDY KINK  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  FUCK  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YES  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  omg and then this au just goes into  
> a LOT of kink exploration  
> with pat  leading the way  
> BUT  
> letting jonny be the dominant one  
> even though he’s instructing jonny with what to do  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**    
> YASSSSSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  
> 
> **j19toews:**  HOLY MOLY THAT’S HOT  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  RIGHT  
> yes like  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  so  
> they usually pre-film the videos  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  
>  but  pat has the idea  
> to livestream one time  
> and he tells jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omfg  
> Yassssss  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and while they’re at it  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  👀  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  jonny goes 'look at them watching you baby boy’  
> 'knowing you’re my slut’  
> IMAGINE JONNY’S LOW LOW BARITONE  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  WHISPERING FILTHY THINGS  
> BECAUSE I CAN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL  
> AND FUCK  
> YESSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and pat just losing his mind and whining  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  OH MAN I WOULD TOO PAT  
> SAME BUD SAME  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  'DADDY NO IM A GOOD BOY’  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  JUST LET THEM MENTAL IMAGE SINK IN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YER KILLING ME SMALLS
> 
> **j19toews:**  OH FUCK  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  HELLO HI  
> this DAMN AU  
> this chatfic needs to be posted again  
> ~for reference~  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Heddndkfkjdoddo you’re breaking my brain madam  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and then the AFTERCARE  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  jonny taking care of pat  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh mannnn  
> All the cuddling  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  running him a bath  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  And kissing Pat’s face  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  YES ALL THE CUDDLES  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  And telling him what a great job he did  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  ;___;  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Because he really took Pat down into subspace  
> 😍😭  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  yeah and he just  
> like  
> after he runs a bath and scrubs pat down gently  
> shampoos his hair and massages his scalp with his fingertips  
> makes sure that pat gets to sleep in clean sheets  
> and like cuddling him until pat comes down  
> OH MAN  
> OHHH MAN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Jonny getting into the bath  
> And then pulling Pat back against him  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  Y E S  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  So he’s lying between Jon’s legs and on Jon’s chest  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and pat and jonny just having this quiet moment  
> ;_;  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  NUZZLING AT PAT’S HEAD  
> AND LEAVING LITTLE KISSES THERE  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and pat taking jonny’s hand and nuzzling it and making open-mouthed kisses on jonny’s palm and knuckles  
> ROMANTIC AF  
> oh my HEART  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh my lord  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Pat is just a puddle of goo  
> He’s on cloud 9  
> So, so in love  
> I’M LIVING FOR THIS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  T_T  
> and they go on couple vacations  
> and there’s this video  
> where their having sex in a hotel  
> they’re just silhouettes  
> their shadows are outlined by the  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  bright light outside from the french windows  
> and outside the viewer can see a view of the paris skyline  
> T_T  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  SO ROMANTIC THO  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  YES HUHU  
> THIS AU IS NOW A MONSTER  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  i feel like this au will have MULTIPLE PARTS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  PROBABLY  
> AND LIKE 100K  
> OF WORDS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:** like the first part is jonny just angsting over pat being a cam boy  
> and then the second part is him adjusting to being part of pat’s world and KINK EXPLORATION and also  
> CONFLICT!!!  
> bec his friends are like  
> PAT IS A PORN STAR???  
> JONNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING????  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  LOL YUP  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and pat’s friends are all THIS DUDE WATCHED YOUR CHANNEL AND HE DIDN’T TELL YOU THAT HE KNEW FOR THE LONGEST TIME ISN’T THAT SUSPICIOUS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh boy  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  WHAT IF THIS GUY IS JUST SOME SICK OBSESSED FAN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  THEIR FRIENDS TRYING TO TEAR THEM APART?!  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  C ON F L I C T  
> ;_;  
> creying  
> HOLD ME DIANA  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  -cuddles you-  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  (also TYLER SEGUIN totally introduces pat to camming)  
> like  
> jonny’s all 'so how’d you….’  
> and pat’s 'oh the dude that i was in an international exchange program with introduced me to it’  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Aghhhhhhh I LOVE it  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  international exchange - pat and tyler in switzerland  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Camboys Pat and Tyler  
> I love it ;___;  
> Also sorry for your life Jamie Benn  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  SORRY JAMIE BENN  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and the convo probaby goes along the lines of  
> tyler eyeballing pat and going 'WOW YOU’RE JACKED’  
> and pat’s all 'uh. i work out? sometimes’ ;_;  
> and tyler is like  
> 'you know if you ever need a couple of quick bucks i know a perfect gig’  
> (tyler is probably leading a cam boy association let’s not even kid ourselves)  
> (just a group of entirely hot and cut doofuses who jack off to a camera)  
> (it’s a legitimate group because hey cam boys gotta watch out for each other)  
> (also nicke is their sometimes-accountant)  
> (because nicke knows burky who is, of course, also a cam boy)  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  (wow THIS UNIVERSE EXPANDED)  
> (dammit TYLER)  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  LOL Seggy causing world-building I love it)  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  i feel like tyler is the type of devil-may-care happy dude who goes around accidentally offering this gig to a lot of guys  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Yasssssss  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  tyler’s side story is just probably him doing that  
> like YO U WANT IN ON THIS SWEET GIG  
> and then he meets jamie (through jordie) who’s studying  
> idk  
> veterinary medicine probably  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and jame is his white whale  
> who he keeps chasing to like DUDE A BODY LIKE THAT  
> YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A GO  
> and jamie is lke UGH SCHOOL FEES AND RENT AND  
> but jamie’s like I DONT KNOW HOW  
> so this devolves to tyler teaching jamie things and somewhere along the way BAM  
> LOVE  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Awwww 😭  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  HEART BONERS ONCE AGAIN  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  ALL OF THE HEART BONERS


	14. Camboy!AU

> **j19toews:**  
> 
> Hi yes hello, sex blogger Jonny showing off for Pat ;____;  ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/174917137916)) 
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  NSFW WARNING  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  CAM BOY JONNY  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YUP  
>  Showing off those ridiculous thighs and abs  
>  ;____;  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH GOD  
>  PATRICK KANE SORRY FOR YOUR LIFE  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Let’s just say Pat is chafing from how often he’s losing it over Jonny’s videos ;___;  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  but what if  
>  cam boy jonny is this  
>  some sort of lusty sex god  
>  while real life jonny is this awkward doof  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Yessss? 👀  
>  OH MY GOD YES  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  like remember those anecdotes on how weird jonny sometimes gets  
>  oh god what if he's like that  
>  what if  
>  for some reason  
>  pat meets jonny off-cam  
>  and he's like OH GOD IT'S SEX FANTASY JONNY HUSTLE  
>  (maybe that's his cam boy name IDEK)  
>  but RL jonny is like OH GOD MY WATER CRESS AND HARICOT BEANS I NEED TO WATER THEM  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YASSSS  
>  HE’S THE BIGGEST DORK IN CHICAGO  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  YASSS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  How does Pat meet him again?  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and he wears really questionable wtf clothes like  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  👀  
>  Is Pat a hockey player in this verse?  
>  What’s going on for background? 👀  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  bro tank tops with salmon pink shorts and flip flops EVERYWHERE even when its autumn  
>  mmmmm he could be a hockey player  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  What a dorky disaster XD  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  or this could be a college au  
>  or even a non-hockey player au  
>  YES  
>  and pat is like OH GOD YOU WERE FINGERING YOURSELF LAST NIGHT  
>  how can you be this human disaster  
>  PAT IS BOGGLED  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  he's watched jonny put dildos and plugs up his ass HOW IS HE THE SAME PERSON WITH THIS DUDE WHO MAKES HIS TINY DOG WEAR PUPPY SNAPBACKS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  “How can you be this unbelievably hot sex god and then turn around and be so adorably awkward” -Pat Kane  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omfg  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> (the puppy snapback for your reference)  
>  i am creying  
>  patrick kane is creying  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  I love this so much ;_;  
>  10/10 best idea I had in sending that gif  
>  👌👌👌  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and real life jonny is a dork whose instagram is full of protein shake shots and his dog and weirdo things he finds in chicago  
>  and pat is like  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  'when i met you i popped a boner and now the longer that i know you you're giving my heart a boner too'  
>  PAT'S LIFE  
>  IS A TRAGEDY  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YASSSSSSS  
>  XD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
>  Ok but like  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> Pat is faced with Jonny, and Jonny has to deal with THIS ([x](http://sorrylatenew.tumblr.com/post/174345661200/kanerboo-patrick-kane-on-dreger-cafe-iihf))  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  are we still in the same au  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Yuuuup  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  is this the pat in our au  
>  okay let's switch to jonny's pov  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Yuuuup!!  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  so jonny is like OMG HOT DUDE ALERT  
>  the problem  
>  the problem!!!!  
>  with jonathan toews is that he can flutter his eyes and lick his lips and muscle control his asshole like a champ when it comes to working the cam  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  XD  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  but he's hopeless and so so so awkward when he finds a boy that he likes  
>  and pat is BANG ON HIS TYPE  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omg yes 😭  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and so he TRIES TO BE SMOOTH  
>  channel his inner SEX GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omfg  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  but he only either just ends up staring all weirdly squinty at pat  
>  or talking about his quinoa recipes  
>  it's terrible  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  he cuddles with his dog and tells her his problems  
>  BETSIE THERE'S THIS GUY  
>  (betsie probs just ignores him because her dad is a loser)  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  She’s just exasperated  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH NO  
>  WHEN THEY GET TOGETHER  
>  BETSIE NOW GETS LOSER DADS  
>  DADS PLURAL  
>  T_T  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  2X THE DORK  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  2X THE DOOF  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  LOve it  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh god jonny trying to seduce pat not knowing pat is trying to seduce him  
>  each coming up with GINORMO FAILBOAT SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  THEM SEDUCING EACH OTHER  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  UNWITTINGLY AND NOT KNOWING  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YES  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  PAT RUNS JONNY A BUBBLE BATH  
>  accidentally mixes up epsom salts with laundry powder detergent  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  bubbles until the hall  
>  JONNY COOKING PASTA  
>  IT GETS TOO SOGGY  
>  ENDS UP STICKING TO EACH OTHER  
>  IT BECOMES PASTA CAKE  
>  that pat has to slice through  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  OH NO  
>  THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY  
>  ~PERFECT~ FOR EACH OTHER  
>  Two failboats in love might just be what I start tagging all Kazer posts  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  ;____;  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  ;_____;  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Dude but like  
>  Once they get in the bedroom  
>  Ooh boy Kaner’s in trouble  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh no no no  
>  HOW TURNED THE TABLES  
>  JONNY MEETS PATRICK JR  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Cause for all Jonny was trying to be sexy outside of it and it wasn’t working  
>  HE IS DEFINITELY A SEX GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  #confirmed  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and jonny is like SWEET LORD  
>  oh god jonny swallowing pat's big d like a fucking champ  
>  no gag reflex to speak of  
>  pat's SEEN THE FACE OF GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  DEEPTHROATING LIKE A BOSS  
>  ;__;  
>  Rip Kaner’s sanity  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  patrick's brain has leaked thru his dick  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Yuuuup  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  meanwhile jonny is like THIS IS THE BIGGEST AND PRETTIEST COCK I'VE SEEN IM NOT LETTING YOU GO NOW  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  BIG D IS CANON  
>  SHOUT IT WITH ME DIANA  
>  BIG  
>  D  
>  IS  
>  CANON  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  I TOLD YOU A WHILE AGO  
>  THE GUYS IN THE LOCKER ROOM  
>  LEGITIMATELY NICKNAMED HIM  
>  “BIG DADDY KANE”  
>  Of COURSE it’s canon 😝😝😝😜😜😜😜  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Vanessaaaaa  
>  Big D is canonnnnn  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  reverse trope  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  pat being the cam boy  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  WAGHHHHJ  
>  I WOULD NOT SURVIVE IT  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  jonny like DRY SWALLOWING THE FIRST TIME THAT HE SEES IT  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> Ahem ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/158743379466))  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> His magic hands 👀 ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/155318150196))  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH MY GOD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> I FOUND ROOKIE CURLS KANER!!! ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/153620581566))  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OH GOD JONNY JUST  
>  FUCKING HIMSELF WITH HIS FINGERS THINKING ~IMAGINING~ THAT COCK OPENING HIM UP  
>  OH MY GOD  
>  jonny SUBSCRIBING TO PAT'S CHANNEL  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> Look at that blonde hair... Kaner being so close and fucking into his hand thinking of Jonny 👀 ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/149675163922))  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  
> 
>  
> 
> Here’s Cam Boy Kaner setting up his camera for his latest video. ALSO...! YOU CAN’T TELL ME HIS NAME WOULDN’T BE CANDY KANE 88 ([x](http://1988afterdark.tumblr.com/post/149054168339))  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  WITH AN ACTUAL CANDY CANE EMOJI AND AN EGGPLANT EMOJI  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YUP  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh god  
>  and since we're reversing our headcanon  
>  jonny meets pat  
>  and pat turns out to be this doofus who cries at movies and sends his sisters care packages and listens to taylor swift unironically  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YES  
>  !!!!  
>  Y E S  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  'i want your big dick and your big heart' -jonny toews, 2018  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  And then he licks his lips unconsciously and Jonny thinks about what Kaner’s profession is  
>  And he’s got both a heart boner and an actual boner  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YUP  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  HEART BONERS ARE THE BEST  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YASSSSS  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  if i wrote this fic i'd call it that  
>  heart boner  
>  and jonny wants to take care of him and TAKE CARE OF HIM ya feel???  
>  like  
>  cuddle him and feed him soup and ride him senselessly into the mattress 


	15. The Chews, The Baby Shark Saga & Kitty Has An Actual Name

>   
> 
> 
> ([x](http://yulinikka.tumblr.com/post/174111197729))  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  ARE YOU KIDDING ME HE IS MOUTHING AT HIS STICK. Patrick your oral fixation has gone too far 😫😟  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP  
> Child, that’s not… clean  
> Oh lord  
> Somebody give this boy a teething ring or something  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Lol XD  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  His fixation is soooo bad omg  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  maybe it’s a concentration thing  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Jonny has to give him their son’s thing  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  like i have a friend who TAPS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  It definitely is  
> He does that a lot when he’s concentrating  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  maybe for him it’s chew chew chew  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Especially during the tv time outs  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh god what if their bb gets that habit
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and jonny realizes this because the bb starts gnawing on his finger when he’s carrying him  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omggggg  
> Is he like “nope” and yoinks the baby’s finger out of his mouth?  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  yes  
> BUT THE BB WILL NOT BE DENIED  
> toddle-crawls to their room  
> piles up all the pillows beside their bed so he can climb up  
> climbs up on top of his dad  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh gawd  
> Has the same determination Pat has  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  tucks himself on the space between his mom and dad  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Jonny’s screwed lol  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and gnaws on his dad’s hand to sleep  
> jonny is like PATRICK YOUR CHILD  
> and pat is like COOING  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Pat is absolutely encouraging it  
> Because of course he is XD  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and the baby has this tiny baby blanket  
> and one corner of it is GNAWED TO DEATH  
> pat is enabling his bb BY GIVING HIS OWN FINGER TO LET HIM CHEW  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  GAHHH  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Jonny is exasperated  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  so they have interview pictures where pat’s carrying their bb and his finger is being gnawed on by their son, the tiny cuddly carnivore
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omggggggg  
> EVERYONE COOS  
> IT IS THE CUTEST THING  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  JONNY IS GRUMBLING IN THE BACK  
> I LOVE IT  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  yes because THEIR BB HAS A STRONG JAW AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE OK??  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  he bites HARD  
> but pat is like THIS IS GOOD FOR HIS JAW MUSCLES  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Lol does Jonny find himself the victim of said biting?  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  he does  
> he’s like sitting in the couch  
> watching something  
> and then suddenly BITE BITE BITE  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Omg lol  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  it’s like having BABY JAWS  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh noooo
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  OMG THIS IS PATRICK’S DOING  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YUP  
> The minute Jonny mentioned the baby jaws thing  
> Pat bought it  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  he runs away with the biting and when jonny says ‘OH GOD HE’S LIKE JAWS’  
> yes  
> and he carries the baby around humming the jaws theme  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  YUP  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and he’s moving the baby closer to jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Oh god this is so cute  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and he hums louder  
> jonny is like T_T  
> JONNY IS NOT SAFE IN HIS OWN HOME  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  NOPE  
> But he secretly loves it doesn’t he?  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  yes  
> he takes SECRET PHOTOS of their baby in his baby onesie  
> OMG  
> WHAT IF  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  THIS ACCIDENTALLY LEADS TO  
> A  
> NICKNAME  
> (20 years later)  
> A reporter asks “Sharky, what led to you being called your nickname?”  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Y E L L I N G  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  Kane-Toews BB, whose real name is NOWHERE NEAR 'Sharky’  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  omg 😭  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  “Uh, my mom said I used to bite my dad a lot so”  
> Sharky Kane-Toews  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  That’s his NHL name  
> Like, when the NHL flashes his real name  
> his teammamtes are like “WHO THE FUCK IS EVAN ANDREW KANE-TOEWS”  
> and they’re like OMG SHARKY HAS A REAL NAME  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  LOL  
> It’s like the thing with Alex DeBrincat  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  YES  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  Even Jonny didn’t know his name was Alex  
> Cause he’s gotten used to calling him Kitty or something like that  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  oh god and the same thing’s gonna happen with the bb  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  BEAUTIFUL  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  they’re like WHO  
>  ****
> 
> **j19toews:**  I LOVE IT  
>  ****
> 
> **vivavanessa:**  and then they’re like………. R U TALKING ABOUT SHARKY? IS THIS SHARKY? SHARKY HAS A REAL NAME???


	16. The Kane-Toews Draft, Blackmail Material & Bun Babies

> **gin-gin-jen:**  they’ll probably have a mini-kane/toews household draft in order to decide which country their kids will represent @ international tournaments  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  with TRADES  
> pat: jonny i think you have two many centers  
> and jonny is like  
> trade you one for a goalie  
> and people are like T_T  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  and their children are like SORRY FOR OUR EMBARRASSING PARENTS  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  at least 2 of them decide to represent Mexico in rebellion  
> Jonny is indignant. Pat concedes that in all likelihood, there’s a good chance they were conceived there.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  jonny and pat shake their heads  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  The embarrassment continues.  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  WE HAVE RAISED UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN, pat shouts at them  
> this is true  
> he WAS this close to being named Lucas  
> for Cabo St Lucas  
> yes i think they would be very embarrassing parents  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  hahahaha lil baby Cabo  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  pat dropping of one of his kids and ending up teaching the Kaner Shuffle to a class of wide-eyed first graders  
> EMBARASSING  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  it’s like zumba for first graders  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  pat’s dancing skills  
> have NOT improved with age and babies  
> tho there was a glorious time when their babies were infants or toddlers and they all thought that the Kaner Shuffle  was the Coolest Thing  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  patrick probably has a compilation video of each of them shuffling  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  oh god  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  it’s in a folder labeled “Fond Memories”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  he does  
> ‘Open When Sad’ is what he labels it when he sends it to jonny  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  the children are more likely to call it “Future Blackmail”  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  too true  
> and when one of their kids becomes this hotshot NHL star  
> rookie first pick  
> too handsome and skilled  for his own good  
> pat is like DONT SASS ME YOUNG MAN I HAVE A VIDEO OF YOU KANER SHUFFLING IN YOUR FOOTIE PAJAMAS  
> pat is a Cruel Cruel Mother  
>  ****
> 
> **gin-gin-jen:**  i have such a soft spot for footie pajamas <3  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  THEY ARE THE CUTEST  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  specially those with cute little bear or bunny ears  
> oh god bunny footie pajamas and/or onesies for easter
> 
>   
> **cuddlefighter:**  THAT’S A WABBIT, jonny says  
> his cute aggression levels are rising  
> he shouldn’t chomp on the baby’s feet (pat: DO NOT SNACK ON OUR CHILDREN THEY AREN’T POUTINE)  
>  ****
> 
> **cuddlefighter:**  but oh god it’s so cute  
> jonny’s life is So Difficult 

**Author's Note:**

> cuddlefight me at @cuddlefighter.tumblr.com


End file.
